Posts Tagged ‘Pence’
Released on: April 18, 2017, 9:01 am (EDT)
Industry: Fashion Press Release
38th Parallel, DMZ, South Korean side — /M.A.D./ — From the world’s greatest designer lacking both perspective and a hint of humility, comes Don Saint l’Orange, who is thrilled to announce the Spring 2017 opening of MADwear – Mission Accomplished Duds.
This is not virginal MADness. The world has seen Mission Accomplished Duds before. These are the duds for the man who longs for big things that come easily to those who have long toiled in the vineyards of wealth and privilege. MADwear gear was first spotted on a carrier dick deck in 2003. Fast forward to yesterday with Powder body double and Oedipal Complex support group dropout, Mike Pence, sporting a MADwear bomber jacket as he squinted longingly and menacingly toward North Korea.
Don St. l’Orange, much like all things in his life, retroactively appropriated the design and recently sported the gear on his bulbous rind. After he went missing and a Golden Alert was issued, Don l’Orange was found roaming the naval carrier Gerald R. Ford. When told about the Golden Alert, DoLo wondered aloud, “Will there be pee?” and “I thought Carrier made air conditioners.”
You may know DoLo by his other sobriquets – the Incredible Papaya Limpet and the Vermillion Versace, but he is best known in the business world for being an unmitigated FOCKer (Fiend of Carbon Kibitzing).
MADwear is thrilled to announce the opening of its e-tail shop with its inaugural photo shoot, MADness Amid Chaos. DoLo has always coveted e-tail and wanted to take advantage of its vulnerability by grabbing it. Along with rot gut wine and inedible offal marketed as steak, the shop will feature MADness as a wearable metaphor for the pre-dementia psychopathic narcissist living out a lifelong fascination with strong military-types. MADwear is homage to these “manly men” and the supple brown, Barcalounger pleather bomber jacket is a natural follow-up to the original jumpsuit codpiece sported by the unmanscaped raging Bush.
Based in Mexicali, Mexico, MADwear showcases a unique clothing perspective by providing Duds for Dudes (Duds for Duds will be a subsequent marketing push). Just as the MAD jackets are reversible, so is the name — Duds Accomplishing Missions Naturally (DAMN) is a brother label and given the fraternal bro popularity, the movement has become known as DAMNation.
Says owner l’Orange, “our MADness Amid Chaos photo shoot is a metaphor for how treasonous incompetence can masquerade as persimmon perfidy only until the spring when the pleather rash blooms. Without fail, 2017 will be a year of MADness — a fashion forewarned trend.”
Please note: MADwear does not own the trademark to Mutually Assured Destruction and any similarity to the elements of thermonuclear war are entirely coincidental.
What is on your mind today?
Sometimes the greatest ideas crawl out from under the most bizarre rocks. Here’s how I got to yesterday’s greatest idea of all time. While surfing the intertubz, I happened upon a list for what makes a dog breed dumb.
Listed among the characteristics for an intellectually challenged dog are: Difficulty in training, bad memory, inability to distinguish what’s real, and a general confusion about who’s in charge. As I read the list I realized it pretty accurately described Dolt 45 and the pack of feral animals he’s brought in to sniff his rather ample butt.
His pack of dogs is a varied lot. There’s the huge BannonMastiff. Typically it has a completely disheveled, dirty appearance like it has been sleeping under an overpass. The BannonMastiff drools a lot! Strange things trigger the drooling like obscure references to European ethno-nationalistic philosophers. This breed has a strong dislike and mistrust for others. It will attack other dogs especially mongrels.
Then there’s the Siberian Flynnsky – a very lively breed. It acts out and is often bored since it lives in a general confusion as to who’s in charge. At times it is almost as if it hears distant Russian voices. It is a working breed, but you can never be quite sure for whom it is working.
When it comes to territorial breeds, there is the Chinese Shar-Pence. The Shar-Pence is very aggressive toward LBGT, hungry people, or pregnant women. The Shar-Pence will not share. This breed suffers from health problems, but when it comes to veterinary care, it is a dog eat dog world where only the fittest and most righteous will survive.
There’s also the Speagle – a breed with a little Spicey mixed in with the Beagle. The Speagle is a piss poor listener and loves to bark. They are very difficult to train and can be dangerous because they can be confused easily. Unfamiliar scents cause them to get angry and chase their tails. They often chase shadows. Dog clothes never seem to fit the Speagle.
Last, but certainly not least, there is the perceived pack leader, the Toy Teacup Trumpoodle. This breed can be very amusing, but can be very high-strung. They can be extremely temperamental. They snap if they are teased or surprised. Often they develop the “small dog syndrome” where they believe they are the pack leader. This syndrome leads to snapping, growling, demanding behavior, and incessant barking. The Teacup Trumpoodle often has mental stability problems if not trained early.
What got me thinking was how often this ragtag pack wanders off the reservation. For instance, just yesterday Secretaries Tillerson and Kelly were in Mexico trying to clean up some of the messes of the Teacup Trumpoodle. While on their way to clean things up, the Trumpoodle laid a whole new pile of dog turds at their feet.
This pack is trying a fear-based approach to issues like immigration and overall personal rights. For instance, children will be treated differently in different states. In short, where you live will determine your happiness and socialization. If your parents happen to live in an enlightened state (both mentally and physically), your constitutional protections will be greater than your poor cousin living in a red state where they are clawing their way back to 1950.
It truly seems if our future is being mapped out by a pack of dogs. When it comes to budgeting, these grifters aren’t starting with real economic assumptions; they are making claims and then back-filling with magical hyperbole – a similar exercise to baying at the moon on an overcast night.
Then there are all these dogs hanging at the edges of the pack. These dogs were originally hanging around the Siberian Flynnsky, but now it seems like more butts than his were sniffed during the campaign. In fact, many more butts. There are many questions.
So what’s my idea? The best dog shock collar is supposed to be Dogtra’s 1900 NCP Field Star. So my idea is to outfit Dolt 45 and the cabinet with modified shock collars. But shock collar would show and look unseemly. That’s when I thought about shock broziers – you know that little extra bit of support for man boobs.
When Dolt 45 and his pack of feral cabinet dogs are acting crazier than outhouse rats, we could shock them with 1600 DC-1 Trainer Broziers. We’ve already cut a promo ad.
Here’s the way I look at it. It makes no difference if this pack of wild dogs running the country is dumb or viciously evil. The end result is the same. Lots of fear, lots of peeing on things we once thought were sacred, and hoping against hope the political pack of wolves will turn on the Teacup Trumpoodle.
What’s on your mind today?
That’s how many seconds we have survived under the Trump/Putin Administration. Thinking of it like that gives the illusion of something longer than just a week, but that’s all it has been. There are 207 more weeks to go in this first four-year installment of, “Government by basic cable.”
While the Women’s March gave me hope, I have fallen into a pall. I’ll save the reason for the end of this post.
Last August I wrote about the Yam’s psychological composition. It’s time to revisit those for a starting point to today’s discussion. I went into much more detail back in August, but I wanted to mention the high points.
Der Trumpenfuhrer exhibits the traits of an Executive Sales consultant. You won’t find these people under every rock you turn over, but they aren’t an endangered species. Predominant are his traits of Significance, Competition, and Command.
The Significance means he receives every ounce of his self-esteem from the way other people see him. In short, he is an empty vessel of perpetual need. Emotional fragility is his default position. No amount of positive feedback will quench his constant thirst to be told he is a person of value.
Competition explains his fixation on the inaugural crowd and the popular vote. As I said back in August, it isn’t so much about winning as it is about everyone else losing. There’s a darkness and mean-spiritedness prevalent in this characteristic. It’s about wishing ill to befall everyone standing in the way of conquest. Numbers are measurements and everything is about measurement.
Then you have the third leg of the stool – Command. People who have Command must be in charge. They are essentially rhetorical bulldozers without a reverse gear. Emotions and feelings are merely weaknesses giving those with Command something at which to aim. Command is the trait that erases the Yam’s shame and embarrassment genes.
I mention these characteristics again for a simple reason. The clamorous Yam is not going to change. The only change is this: When he is tired or under pressure, these proclivities will be stronger. These are his default settings. We will see more of this behavior, not less.
These characteristics have not been lost on those around the Yamster. The devious ones are attempting to harness these characteristics as best they can. The others are leaking like incontinent sieves.
In my humble opinion, the true evil behind the madness is hiding in plain sight – Bannon. It takes a certain kind of discerning evil to play to Trump’s character by publicly humiliating Mitt Romney. It takes a keen hand to play to the base by parading Al Gore through the Trump lobby and then appointing his antithesis to head the EPA the very next day.
Bannon’s fingerprints are all over this first week like overwhelming the press by chewing paper and crapping Executive Orders. Such are the actions of a two-bit dictator. The number of full democracies in the world was reduced by one this year – from 20 to 19. The one falling to the “flawed democracy” category was the U.S.
This is merely the tip of the great orange turdberg into which we are sailing. Pence and Ryan have conspired to erase the New Deal and surrender human rights within our foreign policy. Eighty years of progressive policy will die in some Ayn Randian polemic mirroring the dystopian carnage the Yam barked about in his inaugural address.
From transferring the corporate tax burden to the middle class, from starting a trade war to inadvertently conferring superpower status on China, from increasing infant mortality to accelerating climate change, the future is indeed dark. To summarily cede the largest trading bloc to China will haunt us for generations.
This is what I know. The harm will be quickly legislatively engineered. The effects will metastasize at a slower pace. Pence, Ryan, and Bannon will fray the social safety net and the damage will not be undone for generations. In these hyper-partisan times, re-engineering Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid is incomprehensible.
This clown show is currently booked for 4 years. The fools lured into Cabinet posts won’t have comparable longevity. They will be expected to fall on their swords like a Jonestown dance team to protect the dear Supine Leader’s emotional fragility.
If these people have their way, corporate profits will win over regulation. To speed up making the world a more dangerous place, the House has passed legislation allowing regulations to be rolled back without the protections of normal rule-making. We will soon be living in the “regulation-free jungle” where food, water, air, voting rights, and any number of basic human needs are a roll of the dice.
All of this is sad, but my despondence is deeper. For me it is this simple: I have always believed in the goodness of my fellow citizens — their better angels. We are embarking on an era where such optimism is misplaced.
Trump is ushering in an era where the vindictive nature of the Tea Party/Trumpists will reign supreme. It isn’t about a wall or health care – it is about causing pain. Whether the enemies are Mexicans or people of color or the libruls or gays or immigrants, someone has to hurt in the goofy belief it will be a balm for generational economic transition.
A $50 Billion great wall will never satiate people who fought to deny water to Katrina victims. Who fight funding for health care to children and the elderly. Trump and his pack of jackals bragged about harnessing the anger of the electorate, I never believed our national morality would be the first victim.
If our collective goal in the American experiment was building the Utopian “shining city on the hill,” by surrendering our institutions to this callous cabal we have forsaken that dream, embraced the malevolence, and forever altered the course of our shared history. This moralistic void chills the soul – hopefully our better angels will reawaken. Last weekend’s march was a great start.
What’s on your mind today?
All too often, internet shorthand stumps me. So off I go to the Urban Dictionary, like I did with “tbh” and “to be honest,” until I saw it I had no idea.
You are probably wondering why I’m going out of my way to advertise my ignorance? Pretty simple: Actively seeking understanding is power. We “libruls” understand that. Those on the other side have retooled their party around the credo of “power through obfuscation and misunderstanding.”
It’s as if there’s a “Parade of Deplorables” being led by a bloated balloon of neediness in the shape of an orange-hued con man and a drum majorette, Khaleesi Conway, a breeder of dragons who makes nightmares come true. To paraphrase Lt. Aldo Raine from Inglourious Basterds, “You probably heard PeeOTUS and Khaleesi Conway ain’t in the truth-tellin’ business, they in the double-dealin’, deceitful, duplicity business. And cousin, business is a’boomin’!”
Tbh, their shirtless BFF Putin hasn’t been this happy since he found a use for that third nipple. Just think, with a set of rubber sheets and a couple of small-bladdered babushkas, half the American public no longer trusts the CIA while the Republican Party is one shot of vodka away from being Putin’s baby mama.
This Kremlin/FSB hacking operation couldn’t have shaken American institutions any more if you had hidden a quart of oil and turned loose a Oklahoma fracking operation.
This operation has brought out all manner of gaseous Russian nesting dolts. Those people who whine and bray about those 70,000 white guys in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wescottsin who are pissed off that their 72 inch flat screens only have 200 sports and 600 porn channels.
To hear the likes of comrade Bernie and Frau Jane tell it, we need to chase these 70,000 guys out of their deer stands, off their four-wheelers, and camp out at Nascar races to tell them how much we empathize with their economic plight. We have to tell them they have an NRA guaranteed constitutional right to earn about twice as much as a teacher, have better health care, take four weeks vacay, as long as they worship the good book, Hillbilly Elegy, and pray to a guy named J.D. Vance.
It’s now a religion to accept the child abuse of J.D.’s dysfunctional family as a quaint sociological Uber-ride straight to 1955 without mention of the purple bruising against their lazy lily-whiteness. This “other side of the tracks” chic is a fixer-upper just like a mid-century renovation without the “open concept” kitchen.
For poor millionaire folks like Bernie, Frau Jane, and J.D. (Just Darlin’), it has to be about the economics because, “They is kind. They is smart. And they is important.” But, to be honest, “No it ain’t.” It is because the Trump voters are hostile sexists and rabid racists. And in Kentucky, they can no longer have sex with their pets, but they can continue to indiscriminately date other barnyard animals.
Here’s what their sexism and racism looks like before they buy an oven mitt celebrating it at Cracker Barrel.
Even after their tattoos have failed spell check, it is possible to overcome this WWE/MMA mentality. It only takes 10 minutes of engaged storytelling. For the 70,000 unibrowed, deep-set eyes crowd, “It places a premium on being smart but is skeptical, even contemptuous, of public displays of the work of getting smart…Ours is a culture of cleverness, not of knowledge, one that is far more comfortable in assessing wit than in assessing evidence.”
This will-o-the-wisp cleverness, written in spasms of 140 characters, is where these political Yetis dwell – sniffing at Proust, but reeking of Breitbart and waxing eloquent from the verbal explosive diarrhea of Alex Jones. The internet’s public square is littered with the intellectually homeless.
Tbh, collectively we are impressed with a Texas oil guy who was CEO of a gang of international mud engineers who now believes he can master Foggy Bottom in one grand leap of fastidiousness. Everyone is focused on the bigness of his office, but is missing the smallness of the man. I have never known an executive who is a lifelong company man – a man who has never been challenged with a new corporate “repotting” – who is kept awake at night by original ideas.
Tillerson, a man who is a success by fluffing the corporate rung just above him, and the clamorous Yam, whose greatest joy is pissing upon those below him, are uniquely unsuited for vistas of self-awareness and discovery. You can easily see the commanding vacuity of Tillerson – he’s a man who sends his shirts out to be stuffed.
The lesson we are about to learn is a simple one. Actions borne of anger are seldom, if ever, decisions celebrated for their clarity of purpose. The Trumpanzee is uniquely adept at flinging the feces produced by the prolific arseholes of the Tea Party. He’s a Vesuvius of frothing at the pie hole and a Death Valley of generosity of spirit – the perfect avatar of crippling anger and brilliant ignorance shining from a hilltop as a beacon of impending disaster.
To be honest, the Trump/Putin administration offers vintage rage rarely seen more than once a century. The Chinese curse of living in interesting times could not be truer if it were printed on a Trump tie and shod in Ivanka boots.
What’s on your mind today?
Good evening Widdershins.
Tomorrow morning the Bogey Yam will be announcing his Sancho Panza. Here are the characteristics that seem most important to der Drumpf – notice that none of them reflect upon the qualifications necessary to lead the free world.
- Be obsequious to the point of being bloodied and beaten by an orange meat puppet and asking, “Could I have some more Sir?”
- Stare blindly without giggling hysterically when you see a comb over speaking incoherently in a continuous word salad.
- Understand word salad and be able to translate into reasonably coherent English.
- Own knee pads.
- Be able to kiss butt like an Electrolux with a fresh vacuum bag.
Here are the players and a little bit about each of them – some of it true. Don’t pay attention to the Army guy because he believes in a woman’s right to choose or did for about 12 hours. As for the possibility of Sen. Joni Ernst being selected, well, think about it, she’s a woman.
Newt Gingrich: Former Speaker of the House. Resigned in disgrace under pressure from his own party. Highest fine for ethical violations in House history. Other ethical violations too many to enumerate. Serial adulterer to terminally ill wives.
Chris Christy: Caustic and bombastic New Jersey governor with historically low approval numbers. Bridgegate. Used state money to pay his $82,500 bar and food bill at NFL games in 2010-11. Other ethical violations too many to enumerate.
Jeff Sessions: Translucent white Senator from Alabama. Second judicial nominee in 48 years of Judicial Committee history whose nomination was killed for, among other things, saying he thought the KKK was, “Okay until I found out they smoked pot.” Rumored to have a tattoo that says, “High walls and short ladders make good immigration policy.”
Mike Pence: Translucent white Governor of Indiana. Former House member. Chronically dim, but incandescently ambitious. According to D.C. lore, the most dangerous place to be in D.C. was between Pence and a microphone. Entire career could be entitled, the “Bland Ambition Tour”. Signed the “You Are Free to Discriminate Against Gays” Bill and caught nine kinds of hell for it. Twitter Account handle #hoosierdaddy.
There you have it.
People believe Trump could pull a Veep out from under the kangaroo scrotum he calls hair in order to fool the press. A serious candidate wouldn’t contemplate such a thing, but who knows what madness lurks in the ego that was a stunt double for the Indominus Rex in Jurassic World. If Trump does pull a Houdini, here’s my best guess for the Trump fungible Veep. Notice the resemblance to the aforementioned candidates.
Whoever is ejaculated from that big, pink, stone phallus known as Trump Tower tomorrow morning at 11:00 a.m. EDT will likely wish there was such a thing as a morning after campaign pill. So will we.
What’s on your mind?
It is the beginning of the New Year and not too early to consider who and when the batch of GOP candidates for president will come out of the woodwork to dazzle the crowds with the news of their intentions to unseat the present occupant and “restore dignity” once again to the Oval Office. The same loss of “dignity” that seems to disappear each and every time a Democrat is sworn in I might add.
Obama was never my choice and up to now, has offered me little by way of enthusiasm to beat the drum on his behalf since from what I have witnessed so far, he has been nothing more than an extension of the Bush policies that have plunged us into the dire circumstances we now find ourselves striving to remove. But I will suggest that if the economy begins to improve, and the unemployment rate begins to fall, he may have a better argument to make in 2012 than just laughing and pointing at the oppositional slate the GOP manages to put forth as an alternative.
Because just looking at the proposed slate that is waiting in the wings is enough to invite the question: with a nation of 300 million people is this the best that we can come up with? Really?
A group who has done little beyond opposing every single policy that has been proposed and whose idea of cutting the budget is through tax cuts for the wealthy no matter the price to be paid in the outcome? A group that has declared that the separation of church and state a “fallacy” and continues to interpret the meaning of the Constitution as something to ignore and rewrite?
Some in this erstwhile pantheon of contenders have blamed the unemployed for their predictment, labeling them as “lazy” and content to milk the system for all its worth while laying back and enjoying the fruits of the government without a care in the world. They are distrustful of regulations and see them as an impediment to business. They view climate change as a hoax. They regard women’s place in society as secondary to the concerns of the unborn as they champion wars that invite nothing but death and destruction and offer that premise as“bringing democracy” to the world. They mock science and adhere to the belief that “creationism” should be taught in schools thus ensuring a setback to education and placing us in the same league as the Taliban.
They promise and predict an end to social safety nets and a desire to “privatize” even the most basic and long successful of government programs which will guarantee putting most of us at risk in the long run. Some of them have even separated the “true Americans” from the rest of us while seeking to protect the richest of all who sacrifice nothing and gain the most.