The Widdershins

Posts Tagged ‘Carson

Good afternoon Widdershins.

The one in heels is Marco Rubio. The one with the Larry Craig wide stance is Ted Cruz.

The one in heels is Marco Rubio. The one with the Larry Craig wide stance is Ted Cruz.

How about a debate?  Well, I have some good news for you.  Tonight, for your viewing pleasure and intellectual consternation, we have yet another Republican talking hootenanny.

The festivities begin at 9:00 pm Eastern tonight.  The business porn channel of the One Percent, a/k/a the Fox Business Network, will televise the jamboree.  It will be streaming at FoxBusiness.com.

Like successful bedbug eradication, there will only be seven of the remaining twelve candidates in the main event — Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Jeb! Bush, and John Kasich.  That is the order in which they qualified under the more stringent polling guidelines (never too late for some standards).

The undercard, beginning at 6:00 pm Eastern, will be Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Santorum.  Rand Paul is boycotting with “boy” being the operative word.

People were lined up early in S.C. for tonight's debate...

People were lined up early in S.C. for tonight’s debate…

People are saying this field of candidates resembles the end of any Tarantino movie where everyone is pointing a gun at everybody else.  There are likely to be two main battles – Trump v. Cruz, and everyone else v. Rubio.

The Trump v. Cruz intellectual fisticuffs will have the depth of a dime store mirror:

Trump:  Canadian bacon ain’t real bacon.

Cruz:  Why do you think they call New York the “Big Apple” – its values are no better than the original sin.

The everyone else v. Rubio bout promises to be more entertaining.  There’s the attack from the Trump stooge, Roger Stone, who says:  “Marco Rubio has never run anything. I’m not sure he could run a bath.”

There’s also the possibility of some sort of choral sing-along:  “These boots are made for flippin’ and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days young Marco’s gonna flip, flop, flip on you.”

Just like the Republican candidates -- chasing the orange hair, err hare...

Just like the Republican candidates — chasing the orange hair, err hare…

All this frivolity will be coming to us from the Palmetto State.  It was the eighth state to ratify the Constitution and the very first state to ratify the Articles of the Confederacy.  What can I say, South Carolina is like that drunk fraternity rushee who signs a bunch of pledge cards – just a natural-born joiner.

South Carolina also has a Lake Strom Thurmond named after its racist, philandering senator of nearly fifty years.  It’s the only known domestic lake entirely comprised of whitewater.

We will be live blogging the debate tonight.  Please stop by and bring your tongue-sharpeners.  Leave your good manners and discretion at the door, it will be free-flowing snark all around.

See you around 9:00 pm Eastern.

 

Good morning Widdershins.

After a night of crazy fun listening to the caterwauling of the clowder of feral cats known as the Republican candidates, let’s take suggestions for last night’s best waste of our collective time.

Republican Group Picture

It could be Marco Rubio saying:

Welders make more money than philosophers.  We need more welders and less philosophers.

This was a great line by Rubio, the youngest video star from the Mario Brothers’ fame, but it’s totally off base.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the median wage of welders is $37,420. The median wage for philosophy teachers is $63,630.  I can see why Republicans would rather have fewer philosophers — people who study laudable societal and personal goals of what we should strive to be.

Or it could be the statement that seems to be a favorite “fluffing statistic” at these debates.  It is always guaranteed to make conservatives have to sit five minutes longer until their nether tingling passes.  During the last debate Rubio used it, but last night Jeb! used it:

We have to recognize that small businesses right now, more of them are closing than are being set up.

This is stale statistic derived from a Brookings Institution report tracking data between 2008 and 2011.  More recent data shows the trend changing in 2012 and in the past two years, business starts began to exceed business deaths.

Or it might have been noted somnambulist, West Point could have gone, teenage friend stabbing, mother claw hammer hitting, pyramid barn expert, and former surgeon Ben Carson’s statement:Ben and Jebus-cropped

We also must recognize that it’s [Syria] a very complex place.  You know, the Chinese are there, as well as the Russians, and you have all kinds of factions there. 

Chinese in Syria?  Really?  Not according to any news report, not according to the military, and not according to the Chinese.  So if there are Chinese in Syria, count it as a remarkable dietary leap because Sweet and Sour Pork must have been reclassified as halal.

It might have even occurred during the kids’ table debate where Gov. Huckabuck said:

We’ve lost five million manufacturing jobs just since the year 2000.

Just like any snake oil salesman, Huckabuck gets the “tip of the fact” correct, but didn’t mention it was during the tenure of George W. Bush that almost 5 million manufacturing jobs were lost.  Since the darkest days of the Great Recession (another Dubya production) manufacturing has made a recovery under Obama.  

It goes without saying, if Hillary had made any of these mistakes, it would have occupied the news cycle for a week and spurred three Congressional inquiries.  Let’s not dwell on the negative though, what are your nominees for last night’s best lines?

Mess of CatsHere are my three in reverse order:

3.  Piyush Jindal telling Chris Christie he was going to give him a ribbon and a juice box.

2.  Mike Huckabuck admitting his wife Janet yells at him so he has to fire Janet Yellin.

And my number 1 was when Forrest Trump bragged about his relationship with Putin since they both appeared on 60 Minutes on the same night.  His brag was, “We were stablemates…”  This was my favorite of the evening because thoroughbred trainers often put jackasses in barns as stablemates.  I’ll let you decide which is which in this instance.

Share your favorite lines or take the conversation in an entirely different direction.  Your call.

Have a great Wednesday.

 

 

Reagan Library

It’s that time again!  It is time for the quadrennial hajj to Simi Valley, California, to pay homage to Ronaldus Maximus – seer, sage, and believer of ketchup as a vegetable.  In addition to the four-year butt itch that comes from this spectacle, there will be an umrah as well.  An umrah is a non-mandatory “come with” kinda pilgrimage.

The call to worship for the main hajj will be this evening at 8:00 EDT with the umrah children’s table being two hours earlier at 6:00.  The umrah could prove to be entertaining with Lady Lindsey serving early tea to George, Rick, and Piyush (Pataki, Santorum, and Jindal).  Reports these four will be wearing mau maus with Thank You for Being a Friend from the Golden Girls playing in the background are unconfirmed.

CNN Libary DebateThe physical format will be the same as the scene from the Twilight Zone – you know the one where the monster is on the wing of the plane.  The difference here is that there will be eleven googly-eyed miscreants mumbling “Raygun, Raygun, Raygun” whilst they pee a little bit in their men’s Depends from the excitement of breathlessly yattering his holy name.

Someone will be missing from these festivities and his passing definitely merits a drive-by booting.  Last Friday evening, Rick “Pretty Hair” Perry and his wonderful, most marvelously superb glasses climbed up on the vet’s table and promptly euthanized his mongrel campaign.

Pretty Hair Perry was at a loss as to why his campaign hadn’t blown up like an uninspected Texas warehouse full of ammonium nitrate.  He seems to think a large part of his personal non-combustibility is due to his 2012 back surgery leading up to his famous “Oops” moment.Rick Perry

A fair enough assessment given the fact that Pretty Hair’s back surgery was an unapproved stem cell infusion of his own arse-goo by a friend who ran a medical day spa and had never before done the procedure.  The Oopsmeister’s aggressive use of opiates to heighten his pre-existing dullness probably didn’t help matters.  In any event, may his glasses rest in peace otherwise the mega-donors wanting their money back might be wearing them sometime soon.

Tucked away in a corner of Ventura County (named after Jessie I’m sure), the stomp-worthy weasels of the main hajj will miss Pretty Hair and have to settle for fixating upon Forrest Trump’s pate of the finest, kangaroo scrotum hair money can buy.

One thing for sure, someone is going to find a metaphorical shiv between their third and fourth ribs.  These presidential inmates are all going to be defensive.  They will claim Raygun was a playah; thereby, making him their long-lost daddy.  They will adopt the Reaganesque concept of a “welfare queen” as their mother since none of them were hatched into households with indoor plumbing.  And by the gods of Lincoln Republicanism, they were second year MBA or law students before they could afford shoes.

While their podiums will be made from the finest laminated plywood, it will pale in comparison to the wood they will be sporting behind the podiums as they lovingly call out Raygun’s name as if in the ecstasy of conservative carnal copulation (you know, the good kind of sex that can only occur in the bedroom or church choir loft).   Rest assured, as they pander and grunt, we will hear nary a word about Ronaldus awarding amnesty to 3 million undocumented aliens.

Ronaldus MaximusLikewise, there won’t be a whimper about his Medicaid expansion or raising taxes eleven times while tripling the deficit.  No one will remember his calling the old Soviet Union an “evil empire,” whilst he went right ahead negotiating with them.  And good Nancy almighty, no one will mention when Raygun, as California ”gubnor”,  signed the nation’s most liberal abortion law before Roe v. Wade gave sexless hyenas a reason to live.

None of these facts will be mentioned, but you can bet you’ll hear “trust, but verify” so often you’ll think the Gipper had whispered it into the uteri from whence these wankers sprang.

You will hear Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Scott Walker, John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, and others wax poetic about how, at any moment, Raygun will roll back the stone from his tomb and just before ascending to the heavens strapped onto an ICBM missile he will pronounce the Afro-Kenyan in the White House an apostate.skateboarding

In case you haven’t seen CNN in the last six months where the the debate commercials have debate commercials, the event is tonight.  We will be live blogging the event, so tell your friends and come on by.  It should be entertaining in the same way bot fly removal is a fast growing spectator sport.

In any event you can be sure about this:  A dozen or so of these candidates would have a far more productive evening if they visited the Skateboarding Hall of Fame, which also happens to be in Simi Valley, and learned the intricacies of navigating a half-pipe as opposed to smoking one.

As always, your comments and thoughts on any subject are encouraged and anticipated.

Good morning Widdershinners!  We made it through another week where about one-eighth of the electorate believes we should be governed in some sort of reality show.  Given the coloring of Trump and Boehner, orange will indeed be the new black.

For those expecting Chat, I poked my considerable nose under the fence with this post and she kindly allowed me to go ahead with it.

Here’s hoping your week has been a good one and your weekend is even better.  And now the news…

First, some animal news… Penguins

“The worshipful treatment of pets may be the thing that unites all Americans,” wrote an Atlantic Magazine blogger in July, describing the luxury terminal for animals under construction at New York’s JFK airport. Known as the ARK, it will offer shower stalls for traveling horses (without showers, horses have long-faces), “conjugal stations” for the forever-horny penguins (who knew penguins were over-sexed), and housing for nearly 200 cows (that might produce 5,000 pounds of manure every day making politicians envious) — and passengers traveling with dogs or cats can book the Paradise 4 Paws pet-pampering resort. The ARK is a for-profit venture; said one industry source, quoted in a July Crain’s New York Business report, “You hear stories about the crazy money that rich people spend on their animals … they’re mostly true.”

Nathaniel Harrison, 38, was arrested in July in a Phoenix suburb on several charges, including possession of a deadly weapon during a felony, but he escaped an even more serious charge when a second “deadly weapon” failed to engage. Harrison reportedly intended to retaliate against a “snitch” and arrived at the man’s home carrying a rattlesnake, which he supposedly pointed at the man, hoping it would bite him. However, the snake jammed and mis-fanged – or whatever one calls such things – and Harrison’s attempted payback failed.  It was recommended to Harrison that he take his mis-fanging snake to a herpetarium, but he indignantly replied, “I don’t have a cold sore.”

HorsesThere is a definite correlation between Phoenix and kinky animal stories.  Last month, Michael Crawford, 68, was arrested when he arrived in Phoenix expecting, according to the sheriff’s office, to have sex with a horse. This raises the obvious question:  How big is the illicit horse sex trade in Phoenix that the sheriff’s office went full gallop and created a sting operation?  In any event, Crawford had allegedly posted an online ad seeking horse owners who would allow him access for brief “mount mountings”. It is unclear how the horses learned to read the personal hook-up ads.  In arranging the horse date with an undercover deputy who I’m sure is known as the Horse Whispering Pimp, Crawford volunteered that he would be bringing five shirts upon which the horse was expected to urinate and thereby serve as mementos of the trip. Nothing says true love like horse urine.  He only brought five shirts because even lovers of horses need their weekends off.

Olympic Update and a new meaning for the word “floatie”…

Race to the bathroom after the race...

Race to the bathroom after the race…

Despite repeated assurances by Olympic officials, it appears more certain than ever those 2016 boating and surfing events in Brazil’s Guanabara Bay and Rodrigo de Freitas Lake will be conducted in water so polluted with human sewage that every athlete will almost certainly be struck with fever, vomiting and diarrhea. An August Associated Press report revealed the waters’ virus levels (of fecal coliform and other viruses) are as high as 2 million times the level that would close down a California beach. One U.S. water-quality expert advised all athletes to move to Rio ahead of the games — to try to build up immunity. I never in my life thought I’d ever type or think about the words – pre-Olympic fecal training, but like with so many things, it’s just a matter of context.

LePage Quote“Mainely” Government Inaction…

Maine Gov. Paul LePage is, to put it mildly, less than popular.  On occasion, the Maine legislature has overridden the Tea Partier’s veto with a unanimous vote in both Houses of the Maine legislature – 100% of both parties.  Last month there was legislation passed to make immigrant asylum-seekers eligible for the state’s General Assistance fund.  This wasn’t to Gov. LePage’s liking and he aggressive promised to veto the bill. Unfortunately, the governor and his staff misunderstood state law believing legislation would be regarded as vetoed if he merely ignored it and failed to sign it for 10 days. According to press reports, LePage appeared stunned on the 11th day when he learned his understanding of the veto law was backward and asylum-seekers were now eligible for benefits.  This is what happens when the last time you studied government was in the eighth grade – take note Donnie Trump, Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina.

Misunderstanding the concept…

The San Diego County Fair offered something unique in the deep-fried category this year.  This was the first year of the deep-fried Slim-Fast bar. The recipe:  A 200-calorie “diet bar” breaded in pancake batter, fried, dusted with powdered sugar, and drizzled with chocolate.

Jason Patterson, upset that New Zealand’s health care administration has rejected paying for gastric bypass surgery, announced last month that he will protest publicly.  He will protest by going on a hunger strike — also known as a diet. “The first two to three days will be really hard,” he said as he makes the case for old-fashioned dieting without surgical intervention.

Science Report…Animal House

Zoologists at the University of Basel in Switzerland recently published a study in a prestigious British journal reporting the very real likelihood that a certain flatworm species has overcome the frustration of not finding a mating partner. The scientists believe the flatworm exploits its hermaphroditic qualities and injects its sperm into its own head, from which the sperm migrates to its reproductive facilities. In a related story, scientists are reasonably sure they now know where fraternity pledges come from.

Enjoy the video and consider this the gaping maw of open threads.

 

 


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