The Widdershins

Archive for the ‘play by madamab’ Category

Merry Christmas Widdershins! Haven’t done one of these in a while – I hope you enjoy it.

THE SCENE: Christmas Morning at the McConnell mansion in Kentucky. MITCH MCCONNELL, the Republican Senate Majority Leader, is lounging in his four-poster bed, dressed in Trump gold pajamas (100% polyester!) with the Trump logo on his chest. His wife, ELAINE CHAO, is lounging next to him. Her pajamas match, of course.

MCCONNELL (stretching comfortably): What a great night’s sleep! (to ELAINE) You know, I was a bit worried I might get three, um, “visitors” overnight. Well, Merry Christmas to us!

There’s a knock at the bedroom door.

MCCONNELL: Come in, honey!

SENATE AIDE #1 enters. She is young, blonde and Fox News friendly.

MCCONNELL (startled): Oh! I thought you were one of my daughters. Uh, how’s it going, uh…Maggie?

(Her name is Mary.)

MARY (deferentially): It’s Mary, sir.

(ELAINE, frustrated, lightly smacks MCCONNELL on the arm.)

MCCONNELL: Ahem, yes, of course, Mary. How can I help you? And a Merry Christmas to you, my dear.

MARY: Merry Christmas, sir. Sir, I wanted to let you know that I’ve just received word. The Washington Post has another scoop. It’s…it’s bad, sir.

ELAINE: Oh no. What has that orange idiot done now?

(MARY is shocked, then giggles a bit))

MCCONNELL (repressively): ELAINE!

ELAINE (repentant): Sorry, darlin’. I forgot we weren’t alone. (to Mary) Go ahead, dear.

MARY: Well, um, it looks like he made fun of a child. See right here? He said that at 7 years old, it’s “marginal” to believe in Santa Claus.

ELAINE (muttering to herself): Jesus f*cking Christ.

MCCONNELL: Elaine! (to Mary) Thanks for telling us, uh, Marjorie. Now scoot along. Go have some eggnog or something.

MARY (rolling her eyes a bit): Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

(Mary exits, closing the door)

ELAINE (sitting up in bed): For heaven’s sake, Mitch. That f*cking moron can’t even talk to a child properly! Why don’t you do something already? I’m almost embarrassed to be a Republican these days.

MCCONNELL: (placatingly) Now, Elaine, I know it’s hard to take sometimes.

(He gets out of bed, pacing…the audience can see his Trump slippers)

MCCONNELL: But look – LOOK at all the power we have! And money…soooooo much money. That tax cut was very, very good to us. So what if the guy tweets every once in a while. We are still in great shape. It’s never been a better time to be a Republican!

(There’s another knock at the door.)

MCCONNELL: Come in, honey!

(SENATE AIDE #2 enters. She is interchangeable with Mary, but is wearing a different color mini-skirt.)

MCCONNELL: Darn it, when will Porter get here? (to AIDE #2) Uh, excuse me, sweetheart. Merry Christmas! What can we do for you?

SENATE AIDE #2:  Sir, the AFP is reporting that Erdogan has invited President Trump to Turkey. It sure looks like he and the President are doing some kind of deal together, especially since Turkey is moving into Syria already. There’s also a lot of negative press about the General Mattis thing. I’ve checked the latest Presidential approval ratings, and they are, um, not good. 39%!

(ELAINE screams into a pillow) 

MCCONNELL: ELAINE! (to SENATE AIDE #2) Uh, thanks, my dear. There’s some mulled wine in the kitchen, please help yourself!

SENATE AIDE #2 (puzzled by the lack of reaction): Uh, yes sir. Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas!

(SENATE AIDE #2 exits, closing the door.)

ELAINE (picking up where they left off, crossing to MCCONNELL): “It’s a great time to be a Republican?” Are you serious? All those Never Trumpers are having a field day! That Jonah Goldberg, ooh, I could smack him. Even the MAGA morons are starting to wake up. And the liberals, well – clearly they feel vindicated. (sarcastically) You DID notice the 2018 election, didn’t you? Did you see how many seats the Democrats gained in the House? That Pelosi woman —

MCCONNELL (interrupting superstitiously): She Who Must Not Be Named?

(ELAINE and MCCONNELL spit three times through their fingers)

ELAINE (continuing): ANYWAY, Ms. P is going to come after you with everything she’s got. That Elijah Cummings has already sent over 50 letters about various new investigations he’s planning on opening. You think Trump can survive all of this? Why are you still sticking by him?

(Another knock at the door.)

MCCONNELL and ELAINE (exasperated): Come in!

(SENATE AIDE #3 enters. Yes, she is interchangeable with Mary and #2, wearing yet another color mini-skirt.)

ELAINE (frazzled): What is it, Monica? Oh, Merry Christmas, dear.

MONICA: Merry Christmas, ma’am, sir. I’m sorry to disturb you, but it looks like another child has died in U.S. custody. (pointedly) That makes two.

MCCONNELL (showing the first signs of distress): Oh my goodness. That’s very bad indeed. Uh – what happened, do we know? (eagerly) Can we blame the Democrats?

MONICA (dubiously): Well sir, it’s not clear yet. If there’s a particular border patrol agent who’s responsible, I suppose we could find out how he voted in 2018?

MCCONNELL (wagging his finger): And 2016! If he voted for Hillary, we’re home free. (more cheerfully) Thanks, darlin’! Go stand under the mistletoe in the great room, maybe you’ll get lucky! (smacks her on the ass)

MONICA (shocked, rubbing her ass): Uh, thank you? (exits quickly, closing the door)

(ELAINE glares at MCCONNELL, shaking her head.)

MCCONNELL (dismissively): Oh whatever, she loved it. Now, where were we?

ELAINE (sighing): Mitch, honey. (taking his hand) Let’s not fight. Just please tell me, for once and for all, what is going on? I am ready to quit tomorrow. Just say the word. This is the worst job I’ve ever had! I don’t even think Trump knows my name. He keeps calling me “my Chinese friend.” “Where’s my Chinese friend?” he asks me. I’m from Taiwan, for heaven’s sake!

MCCONNELL (coming to a decision): Elaine, I’m gonna come clean. The Russians gave me a lot of money to back that orangutan. I’m just not going to go against them, okay? That Putin is no joke. He kills people! Besides which, we can keep the Democrats in check with our increased majority in the Senate. They’ll never get the votes to impeach him. We can stay on the Trump train and finally privatize Social Security and Medicare. Imagine, all the money pouring in! And, he’ll get re-elected in 2020. Our Russian friends will take care of that!

(ELAINE shakes her head in disbelief.)

(MCCONNELL’S phone dings. He reads it, then throws it across the room.)

MCCONNELL: No, no, no!

ELAINE (concerned): What is it now?

MCCONNELL: MUELLER!

(ELAINE and MCONNELL spit through their fingers again)

MCCONNELL (pacing): Hannity tells me that Mr. M has got me – ME! on his Christmas list. He’s going to  find out about my special friendship with Russia! (realization slowly dawning) Oh my Lord. Who’s going to protect me? Trump will throw me under the bus faster than you can say “Michael Cohen!” He’s never liked me, never! And Pence, he’s useless. He’s going to get indicted before summer comes.

ELAINE (taking him by the shoulders): Mitch, look at me. (he looks up, in deep distress) You cannot go to jail. You hear me? Daddy would be furious! (commandingly) You know what you have to do.

(ELAINE hands him her phone. MCCONNELL slowly takes it and dials.)

MCCONNELL: Hello? Special Counsel’s office? Yes, Merry Christmas to you too (ELAINE puts her hand on his shoulder). This is Majority Leader McConnell. I’d like to speak to the Special Counsel, please…

(LIGHTS OUT.)

THE END

[THE SCENE: The set of “The Dating Game,” of course! Or is it? As the host paces around the stage, barking orders and repeatedly puffing powder on his liver-spotted face, you realize that this is not your parents’ show. First of all, the tall, overbearing emcee is clearly Fox News’ own BILL O’REILLY. Second, the contestants seated in the chairs behind the wall are…well, not the most attractive bunch you’ve ever seen. One, RICK SANTORUM, wears a sweater vest and a sheepish expression; another, CHRIS CHRISTIE, bears a striking resemblance to an angry water buffalo; and the third, JEB BUSH, looks like a mixture between a used-car salesman and a chimpanzee. Finally, there is a fourth chair, which is mysteriously empty.]

O’REILLY [sotto voce to an eager blonde female assistant] Just remember to bring the loofah, huh, Sheila? [The assistant nods worshipfully and exits, stage left.]

O’REILLY [out loud, to contestants] Hey, guys, hope you’re ready to give it your all tonight! This little lady we’ve got on the show is very, very picky, and the hottest thing you’ve seen in a loooooong time. So remember, when the lights come up, put on those smiles and think ROMANCE!

SANTORUM [raising his hand tentatively]: Uh, Bill?

O’REILLY [whirling on SANTORUM]: For the last time, Rick, you are NOT cheating on your wife by being here. Now for Gawd’s sake, man up and let’s try to win this thing.

[BUSH and CHRISTIE snigger.]

SANTORUM: [mumbling] Took the Lord’s name in vain again. One day, Bill, you’ll be struck down!

CHRISTIE: Ha! This is going to be the easiest win ever! Sanctimonious moron. And look at JEB, he’s not even paying attention. Heh!

[BUSH twirls in his seat, staring at the ceiling.]

CHRISTIE [gesturing to the empty chair]: Hey, uh, what’s with the vacancy?

RONALD REAGAN’S VOICE: Hey, who you calling vacant!

ALL CONTESTANTS: What was that!

O’REILLY [smiling]: Yes, boys, you heard that right – it’s the ghost of Ronald Reagan! I told you to bring your A Game. He is going to be tough to beat!

ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: Bill, it’s time.

O’REILLY [striding to the center of the stage]: I’m ready!

[The lights come up. There is no actual crowd; canned applause is piped in at appropriate intervals.]

O’REILLY: Welcome, America, to a very special version of “The Dating Game!” I’m your host, BILL O’REILLY. Let’s meet tonight’s contestants!

[The spotlight moves to SANTORUM.]

SANTORUM: Hi, America. I’m Bachelor Number One, Rick Santorum! I enjoy obsessing about homosexuality, advocating for policies that were last popular in the Dark Ages, and going to the Creationist Museum to ride dinosaurs!

O’REILLY: Thanks, Rick! Next, let’s go to Chris Christie.

CHRISTIE: Hey, America, how you doin’? I’m Bachelor Number Two, CHRIS CHRISTIE, the governor of the great state of New Jersey. I enjoy yelling at people who disagree with me, misusing Hurricane Sandy Relief Funds, and blocking my constituents’ access to the George Washington Bridge!

O’REILLY: I hope you like pina coladas too! And what about you, sir?

BUSH [who has mercifully stopped twirling]: Hi, America, I’m Bachelor Number Three, Jeb Bush. I’m the ex-governor of Florida, and the brother of our wonderful 43rd President, George W. Bush! I like money, lots and lots of money, and I’ve got plenty to show off! All my political positions are, well, for sale, so as long as you’ve got the dough, I won’t say no!

O’REILLY: I love a guy who puts it all out there! And finally, our most prestigious guest!

RONALD REAGAN’S VOICE: Heh-heh, Bill, there you go again! I’m Bachelor Number Four, Ronald Reagan. I’m sure you all know who I am by now. Sure, I officially moved on to that Great Cineplex in the Sky a while back, but since none of you can ever forget what an incredible President I was, I’m not really dead!

[Wild fake applause.]

O’REILLY: What a fantastic group of guys. Gals of America, how could you resist?! Well, you all know how this works. The men stay behind the wall, while the lucky little lady comes out and is introduced to the audience. So, without further ado, let me introduce tonight’s guest: The Republican Voter!

[The Republican Voter enters, smiling and waving, to more fake applause and festive music. She is about 45, well-maintained, with a mane of blond hair, glossy pink lipstick and a perfect French manicure. Her clothes are designer casual.]

REPUBLICAN VOTER [brightly]: Hey, Bill. I’m so looking forward to meeting tonight’s contestants! I can’t wait to make my choice for November 2016.

O’REILLY: That’s just terrific, RVee! Whoops, I forgot to ask: Can I call you RVee?

REPUBLICAN VOTER: I’d be honored, Bill! An RV is such an American form of transportation, and I sure do love America!

O’REILLY: We know you do! Let’s get started. What is your first question?

RVEE: Okay! Um, this question is for Bachelor Number Two: Given the recent riots in Baltimore, how many guns should we buy to protect ourselves from angry welfare recipients?

CHRISTIE: Ummm, what?

RVEE [miffed]: I’m sorry, do you actually want me to repeat that question?

CHRISTIE [knowing he’s not impressing her]: Oh! No, no, of course not. I completely get you, RVEE, and I hear where you’re coming from. But sometimes, don’t you feel like there are too many guns in our communities?

RVEE [eyes rolling]:  Oh right, as though I’m going to let some government official take MY gun away! Bachelor Number Four, how about you? Same question.

REAGAN’S GHOST: RVEE, I believe every American should have the right to defend himself, or herself, as the case may be.

RVEE [nodding and smiling]: That’s right! I like that. Hmmm, okay. Bachelor Number One, how badly do you think homosexuality is ruining the American family?

SANTORUM [excitedly]: Oh my gosh, RVEE, it is the worst threat to the American family since welfare! As you know, having children through technology is a sin against the Lord’s teachings. Sex should be between a man and a woman, and hopefully both partners will have one foot on the floor! Amen.

RVEE [enthusiastically]: A-MEN! All right, let’s give Bachelor Number Three a chance. Your question is: if you were President, how many times would you have nuked ISIS by now?

BUSH [confusedly]: ISIS? I used to love that show. You know, “Oh, Mighty Isis!” and then she would turn into a goddess? Man, what ever happened to that actress. What was her name again? Anywho, doesn’t matter. I guess if you want me to nuke her, RVEE, I’m down – and I’ll do it as many times as you want me to! I’m all about YOU, baby.

[O’REILLY slaps his forehead in disgust.]

RVEE [appalled]: My Gawd, Bill, who is that moron? How did HE make it on the show?

O’REILLY [grimly]: Between you and me, RVEE, I think nepotism might have had something to do with it. Let’s move on –

SANTORUM [interrupting]: Hey, RVEE, I’m sure you didn’t MEAN to use the Lord’s name in vain, but can we keep it clean from now on? This is a family values show.

RVEE [insulted]: I can’t believe he would tell ME to keep it clean! Who does he think he is?! Well! That leaves out Number One, Number Two and Number Three. So far the only one I like is Number Four! But let’s just make sure he’s really The One. Number Four, final question: What would you do if you were my date for November 2016 through 2024?

REAGAN’S GHOST: Well, RVEE, I’ll tell you. It would be morning in America. People would be optimistic about the future again, instead of hearing all that doom and gloom those tree-huggers all talk about. You would be able to trust your government again, knowing that your President is a white, Christian male who loves America as much as you do!

RVEE [dreamy-eyed]: Wow! THANK you, Bachelor Number Four. You really understand me!

REAGAN’S GHOST: I always did! My speechwriters surely knew how to make you love me.

RVEE [confused]: Wait a minute – you’ve already been my date?

REAGAN’S GHOST: Of course! I’m surprised you don’t remember. I was with you from 1980 – 1988!

RVEE [aghast]: BILL – you put Reagan’s ghost on this show with me? [wailing] He’s the only one I like – and he’s DEAD! [begins sobbing uncontrollably]

O’REILLY [throwing his mike on the ground]: Cut! CUT I SAID!

[The spotlight turns off; regular lights come up.]

O’REILLY: All you jerks GET OUT! Especially you, Ronnie! What an idiot I was to let you play.

REAGAN’S GHOST: Heh-heh. Just goes to show, facts are stupid things! Goodbyyyyyyyyeeeee….

[All the bachelors sheepishly walk offstage.]

O’REILLY [walking over to RVEE, stroking her arm consolingly]: Now honey, I know you’re upset. I don’t blame you! We really didn’t give you such a good choice this time. I promise we’ve got lots of other great bachelors to look at, and there’s plenty of time to make a selection before November rolls around.

[RVEE calms down and hooks her arm in his.]

RVEE: You’re right, Bill. I mean, there are like 20 more bachelors out there! I’m sure I can find one of them who can compete with REAGAN’S GHOST!

O’REILLY: I’m sure we can! After all, it’s not like you’re going to vote for Hillary Clinton!

[They both laugh and begin to walk offstage.]

RVEE: Oh Bill – I forgot! Let me get my purse.

[RVEE goes to the seat where she had been sitting, and she picks up the purse left behind it. She turns back towards O’REILLY, and as she does, we see there is a “Hillary 2016” button attached to the strap. RVEE turns back and faces us, then gives us a wink.]

[LIGHTS OUT.]

Our Madamab is feeling puny with  some type of respiratory crud like many of us have had recently so I found this hysterical play that she did back in 2009.  Some things just remain the same.  Enjoy!

Oooh, nuance!

Not Again!

Note: Thanks to commenter jules, for the inspiration for this play!

THE SCENE: Buckingham Palace. HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH and her consort, PRINCE PHILIP, are lying in bed in their elaborate, gilded suite. It’s been a long day – they’ve just spent it with America’s First Couple, BARACK and MICHELLE OBAMA. They are both exhausted, but not ready to go to sleep just yet. They are wearing monogrammed, silk pajamas with royal crests on them. Reading glasses and old-fashioned nightcaps adorn their royal heads. HMQE is reading The Guardian, while PP is reading OK!.)

HMQE (acerbically, putting down the newspaper): Any good pictures of Britney today, darling?

PP (absorbed): Hmmmmm?

(PP looks over at his wife, reads her mood, and puts down the magazine.)

PP (sympathetically): What is it, darling? Are you still upset about today?

HMQE (bursting out with repressed frustration): Of course…

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