The Widdershins

The Turtle’s Shell Cracks: A Play in One Miraculous Act

Posted on: December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas Widdershins! Haven’t done one of these in a while – I hope you enjoy it.

THE SCENE: Christmas Morning at the McConnell mansion in Kentucky. MITCH MCCONNELL, the Republican Senate Majority Leader, is lounging in his four-poster bed, dressed in Trump gold pajamas (100% polyester!) with the Trump logo on his chest. His wife, ELAINE CHAO, is lounging next to him. Her pajamas match, of course.

MCCONNELL (stretching comfortably): What a great night’s sleep! (to ELAINE) You know, I was a bit worried I might get three, um, “visitors” overnight. Well, Merry Christmas to us!

There’s a knock at the bedroom door.

MCCONNELL: Come in, honey!

SENATE AIDE #1 enters. She is young, blonde and Fox News friendly.

MCCONNELL (startled): Oh! I thought you were one of my daughters. Uh, how’s it going, uh…Maggie?

(Her name is Mary.)

MARY (deferentially): It’s Mary, sir.

(ELAINE, frustrated, lightly smacks MCCONNELL on the arm.)

MCCONNELL: Ahem, yes, of course, Mary. How can I help you? And a Merry Christmas to you, my dear.

MARY: Merry Christmas, sir. Sir, I wanted to let you know that I’ve just received word. The Washington Post has another scoop. It’s…it’s bad, sir.

ELAINE: Oh no. What has that orange idiot done now?

(MARY is shocked, then giggles a bit))

MCCONNELL (repressively): ELAINE!

ELAINE (repentant): Sorry, darlin’. I forgot we weren’t alone. (to Mary) Go ahead, dear.

MARY: Well, um, it looks like he made fun of a child. See right here? He said that at 7 years old, it’s “marginal” to believe in Santa Claus.

ELAINE (muttering to herself): Jesus f*cking Christ.

MCCONNELL: Elaine! (to Mary) Thanks for telling us, uh, Marjorie. Now scoot along. Go have some eggnog or something.

MARY (rolling her eyes a bit): Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

(Mary exits, closing the door)

ELAINE (sitting up in bed): For heaven’s sake, Mitch. That f*cking moron can’t even talk to a child properly! Why don’t you do something already? I’m almost embarrassed to be a Republican these days.

MCCONNELL: (placatingly) Now, Elaine, I know it’s hard to take sometimes.

(He gets out of bed, pacing…the audience can see his Trump slippers)

MCCONNELL: But look – LOOK at all the power we have! And money…soooooo much money. That tax cut was very, very good to us. So what if the guy tweets every once in a while. We are still in great shape. It’s never been a better time to be a Republican!

(There’s another knock at the door.)

MCCONNELL: Come in, honey!

(SENATE AIDE #2 enters. She is interchangeable with Mary, but is wearing a different color mini-skirt.)

MCCONNELL: Darn it, when will Porter get here? (to AIDE #2) Uh, excuse me, sweetheart. Merry Christmas! What can we do for you?

SENATE AIDE #2:  Sir, the AFP is reporting that Erdogan has invited President Trump to Turkey. It sure looks like he and the President are doing some kind of deal together, especially since Turkey is moving into Syria already. There’s also a lot of negative press about the General Mattis thing. I’ve checked the latest Presidential approval ratings, and they are, um, not good. 39%!

(ELAINE screams into a pillow) 

MCCONNELL: ELAINE! (to SENATE AIDE #2) Uh, thanks, my dear. There’s some mulled wine in the kitchen, please help yourself!

SENATE AIDE #2 (puzzled by the lack of reaction): Uh, yes sir. Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas!

(SENATE AIDE #2 exits, closing the door.)

ELAINE (picking up where they left off, crossing to MCCONNELL): “It’s a great time to be a Republican?” Are you serious? All those Never Trumpers are having a field day! That Jonah Goldberg, ooh, I could smack him. Even the MAGA morons are starting to wake up. And the liberals, well – clearly they feel vindicated. (sarcastically) You DID notice the 2018 election, didn’t you? Did you see how many seats the Democrats gained in the House? That Pelosi woman —

MCCONNELL (interrupting superstitiously): She Who Must Not Be Named?

(ELAINE and MCCONNELL spit three times through their fingers)

ELAINE (continuing): ANYWAY, Ms. P is going to come after you with everything she’s got. That Elijah Cummings has already sent over 50 letters about various new investigations he’s planning on opening. You think Trump can survive all of this? Why are you still sticking by him?

(Another knock at the door.)

MCCONNELL and ELAINE (exasperated): Come in!

(SENATE AIDE #3 enters. Yes, she is interchangeable with Mary and #2, wearing yet another color mini-skirt.)

ELAINE (frazzled): What is it, Monica? Oh, Merry Christmas, dear.

MONICA: Merry Christmas, ma’am, sir. I’m sorry to disturb you, but it looks like another child has died in U.S. custody. (pointedly) That makes two.

MCCONNELL (showing the first signs of distress): Oh my goodness. That’s very bad indeed. Uh – what happened, do we know? (eagerly) Can we blame the Democrats?

MONICA (dubiously): Well sir, it’s not clear yet. If there’s a particular border patrol agent who’s responsible, I suppose we could find out how he voted in 2018?

MCCONNELL (wagging his finger): And 2016! If he voted for Hillary, we’re home free. (more cheerfully) Thanks, darlin’! Go stand under the mistletoe in the great room, maybe you’ll get lucky! (smacks her on the ass)

MONICA (shocked, rubbing her ass): Uh, thank you? (exits quickly, closing the door)

(ELAINE glares at MCCONNELL, shaking her head.)

MCCONNELL (dismissively): Oh whatever, she loved it. Now, where were we?

ELAINE (sighing): Mitch, honey. (taking his hand) Let’s not fight. Just please tell me, for once and for all, what is going on? I am ready to quit tomorrow. Just say the word. This is the worst job I’ve ever had! I don’t even think Trump knows my name. He keeps calling me “my Chinese friend.” “Where’s my Chinese friend?” he asks me. I’m from Taiwan, for heaven’s sake!

MCCONNELL (coming to a decision): Elaine, I’m gonna come clean. The Russians gave me a lot of money to back that orangutan. I’m just not going to go against them, okay? That Putin is no joke. He kills people! Besides which, we can keep the Democrats in check with our increased majority in the Senate. They’ll never get the votes to impeach him. We can stay on the Trump train and finally privatize Social Security and Medicare. Imagine, all the money pouring in! And, he’ll get re-elected in 2020. Our Russian friends will take care of that!

(ELAINE shakes her head in disbelief.)

(MCCONNELL’S phone dings. He reads it, then throws it across the room.)

MCCONNELL: No, no, no!

ELAINE (concerned): What is it now?

MCCONNELL: MUELLER!

(ELAINE and MCONNELL spit through their fingers again)

MCCONNELL (pacing): Hannity tells me that Mr. M has got me – ME! on his Christmas list. He’s going to  find out about my special friendship with Russia! (realization slowly dawning) Oh my Lord. Who’s going to protect me? Trump will throw me under the bus faster than you can say “Michael Cohen!” He’s never liked me, never! And Pence, he’s useless. He’s going to get indicted before summer comes.

ELAINE (taking him by the shoulders): Mitch, look at me. (he looks up, in deep distress) You cannot go to jail. You hear me? Daddy would be furious! (commandingly) You know what you have to do.

(ELAINE hands him her phone. MCCONNELL slowly takes it and dials.)

MCCONNELL: Hello? Special Counsel’s office? Yes, Merry Christmas to you too (ELAINE puts her hand on his shoulder). This is Majority Leader McConnell. I’d like to speak to the Special Counsel, please…

(LIGHTS OUT.)

THE END

37 Responses to "The Turtle’s Shell Cracks: A Play in One Miraculous Act"

LOL, well done mb!

The 2nd Guatemalan child dying…there’s something going on and thank goodness maybe we’ll get some answers after Jan. 3rd.

Thanks Fredster!

I cannot imagine what horrors we are going to uncover in DHS and all its sprawling evil offshoots. How many children (and adults!) have died at their hands?

Good play! All I can think is “if only” and “Hurry up!” “Get the traitors before they break everything!”

I’m going to re-up my comment from last thread because the subject needs attention. Not necessarily here, but here is where I am :/

Have you folks seen this? From Dec *18th*?? This is baby-bro of the Cuban missile crisis. (I’m not saying it’s different from the US putting war materiel everywhere from Turkey to the Baltic states and right in Russia’s face, but it’s a new development, and it’s the other guys doing it, and meanwhile Israel is shooting at Damascus in Syria. This is all Triple Plus Ungood.)

Russia has announced plans to set up its first ever military base in the Caribbean after striking a deal with cash-strapped Venezuela.

The state-sponsored TASS news agency reported that Russian experts had selected the island of La Orchila, 125 miles northeast of Caracas, as a possible military base up to 10 years ago.

According to the agency, Russia will now be ‘deploying Tu-160 strategic aircraft to the island’, after seeking permission from Venezuelan leader Nicolas Maduro.

The deployment will represent the one of the largest semi-permanent postings of Russian military hardware to the region since the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962 – which marked the height of the Cold War.

Thanks Q! Yes, I agree. The Russians are moving aggressively to expand their military power and we aren’t doing anything about it. It’s very scary!

@4: I was going to comment on this in the last thread.

That plane is old, designed/built in the 80s. I know…so are our B52s. And that island is close considering the plane is supersonic. Let’s hope our military is already planning on how to take them out if needed.

Looks like the old Concorde.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tupolev_Tu-160

OkayI’m gonna add the mule/carriage picture here also bcuz it got added to the previous post late in the game.

(I have always loved those baskets hanging off the balconies of that bldg.)

I loathe McTurtle maybe even more than Trump.

Great thread here:

Quixote, that news about Russia manning a base with supersonic aircraft — not good. Not good at all. Cadet Trumpty Dumpty Bone Spurs is not going to handle this coming crisis at all well. Hell, he’ll probably go there to meet Vlad and then invite him over for a sleepover and a tour of our bases.

Nothing to worry about, nothing to ….

Fredster, love the NOLA style of holiday decor, down to the horses hooves!

Trump is dumb as a stump. McTurtle is the real deal. He is the Destructor of democracy.

@10: Wasn’t that cute? The weather was gorgeous that day.
Now it’s started raining and we’re under a flash flood watch for tomorrow and rain will probably be here for a few days. Yuck

Must read the comments.

Fredster, hope you stay safe!

Love the play, Madamab! But the thought of Mitch and Elaine’s gold Trump pajamas (made in China no doubt) … eww.

We’ve had a full house all week! They are beginning to trickle out, just in time before I go crazy!

Nice MB…

I am sort of taking a little time off of politics and will be back shortly.
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

@19 – he is rather nice to look at!

Shadow, GAGal, good to see you!

@14: We’ve lucked out here on the southshore Luna, however across the lake they’ve had some places that have just been inundated by training storms. Hope we don’t get that stuff here.

Love the play, MB! You haven’t lost your touch. The evil McConnell’s remind me of the Macbeths.

That’s pretty scary about the Russian base. We need Aquaman to swoop in and save us all. Come on Mr. Mueller.

Hope you all had a pleasant holiday.

This looks good. A cat massage.

@22, hope those claws are trimmed! One of my cats will knead like that which is very nice but he usually stays in one place and doesn’t get all the sore spots. Cats! Lol.

Speaking of cats… IMO we can never get enough kitty cuteness.

Your best one ever, Madamab.

@24, aww, so cute. Look at this funny pup:

@26, oh that face when he’s discovered!

28
That pretty much says it all.

Trump is the king of Scrooges.

Trump orders pay freeze for federal workers

The order comes as some 800,000 federal employees, out of a workforce of 2.1 million, are in unpaid status due to the partial government shutdown that now has lasted a week and is virtually guaranteed to last at least a number of days more. Of those, about 380,000 have been furloughed while the rest are still on the job, although without pay, due to the nature of their work.

Dumb question that suddenly occurs to me: the workers on the job “without pay,” are they not being paid at all or will they get back pay? Not that it helps with bills now, of course, but just wondering. I assumed they get back pay, but in this world, who knows.

31

Gov’t workers have in the past been paid retroactively for the work they did in non pay status. This is no guarantee that it will happen this time though. Gov’t contract employees will not get paid nor can they be forced to work without pay.

Full disclosure here: I am a gov’t employee(until midnight Dec. 31st)

@31 & 33: Plus, if I recall correctly, they haven’t been having health ins. premiums withheld (obviously) but have kept coverage and when they get the retro pay all back premiums will be taken out. Am I right on that one native11? It’s been awhile since I’ve faced one of those and at the time wasn’t considered “essential”.

They will get what look like dunning letters informing them as Fredster said, but should have coverage since the health ins plans are thru the gov’t. Different story with rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. Fed workers are supposed to offer to do chores in exchange for getting stuff like power, water, phone service, and a roof over their heads. Not a good way to convince employees they should vote Republican.

34
If we get retro pay it will include paying withholdings that were missed. At least that’s how it has worked in the past. Since the Democrats hold the House now I feel more confident that the pay will be handled as it has been in the past shutdowns.

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