The Widdershins

The DNC Makes a Plan: A Play in One Infuriating Act.

Posted on: April 24, 2017

Our Fearless Leaders…

THE SCENE: A conference room at the DNC’s Washington headquarters. It’s clear that a long meeting is in progress, from the various soda cans and coffee mugs on the table, scribbles and diagrams on the whiteboard, and the generally exhausted and disheveled air of the 6 participants. At the head of the table is TOM PEREZ, the newly-elected head of the Democratic National Committee. Sitting to his right is KEITH ELLISON, his second-in-command. There are four other people around the table: BERNIE SANDERS, loser of the Democratic Primary by 4 million votes; BILL MAHER, mansplainer extraordinaire; CHUCK SCHUMER, head of the Senate Democrats; and The One, former President BARACK OBAMA. There are, of course, no women present. 

As the curtain rises, we see PEREZ and ELLISON in earnest and quiet discussion. SANDERS’ head is down and his eyes are closed; gentle snores issue from his nose. SCHUMER is gazing raptly into OBAMA’s eyes, while MAHER is on the phone, pacing, at the other end of the table. PEREZ and ELLISON decide to bring the group back in.

PEREZ: Guys, hey! (The men in the room reluctantly begin to shift into “pay attention” mode.) I know it’s been a long day so far. But I think we’ve made real progress. Let’s take a look at the whiteboard one more time. Keith, can you give Bernie a nudge?

ELLISON (checking his watch): Yeah, I guess it’s still light outside. (goes over and gently shakes SANDERS, who unelegantly snorts awake.)

SANDERS: Oh! Sorry about that. I must have napped for a minute there.

OBAMA (muttering) More like the past 90 minutes, man. (SCHUMER snickers.)

MAHER (on the phone): Crap. I’ve gotta go, Ann. Of course I’ll have you on my show again. I don’t care how conservative you are; you’re my kind of woman. (Hangs up) Sorry about that. It’s hard for me to say no to a hot blonde, even if she talks a lot of sh*t sometimes. Am I right?

(SANDERS is the only one who laughs.)

PEREZ (into the awkward silence): Uh. Right! So, to recap: we want to rebuild the Democratic Party to prepare for 2018 and beyond. We can’t just focus on the Presidency every four years. That’s what got us into this mess in the first place!

OBAMA: Hey!

SCHUMER (smoothing it over): Sorry, Mr. President, but you have to agree that we should have spent more money and time building up Congress, the governorships and state legislatures. Now look what’s happened! The lunatics are running the asylum, and we don’t even have the option to impeach the schmuck squatting in the Oval Office to get his d*mn kids and that Breitbart wacko out of there. I feel like I’m living in Bizarro World!

SANDERS (standing up): I couldn’t agree more, Chuck. If it weren’t for that d*mn woman losing the election, we would be in the catbird seat right now. Thankfully you guys took over from that idiot Schultz, so we can take the Party back from the millionaires and billionaires! (sits down, self-satisfied)

(OBAMA rolls his eyes.)

MAHER (snarkily): Catbird seat?! How old ARE you?! (goes back to his phone and stops paying attention)

SCHUMER (politely): Uh, Bernie, that wasn’t actually what I said. In fact, it was pretty much the opposite. And I think it would be just terrific if you would stop obsessing about the primaries now. You know that 4 million more Democrats voted for Hillary. There was no rigging, except what the Russians did for Trump!

OBAMA: That’s right, Chuck. I knew those Russians were up to no good! But it shouldn’t have mattered. They should have come out for her the way they came out for me. (shaking his head) D*mn! I can’t believe my inspirational speeches didn’t work.

PEREZ (muttering): You mean those condescending lectures? Yeah, shocking.

ELLISON: (standing up and going to a whiteboard that turns around) Guys, guys! Come on now. We’re all on the same side, trying to do the same thing. Right? Let’s focus on beating the Republicans in 2018! Take a look at my strategy. I think we can all agree it’s a winner!

(ELLISON dramatically turns the whiteboard around. There is a picture of two people: one woman and one man. The man has unexpectedly sprouted a cartoon p*nis, and the woman has grown very large cartoon breasts.)

MAHER (grinning): Hey, Keith baby. I improved on it a bit.

PEREZ: Oh my God. (puts head in hands)

ELLISON (furiously erasing the offending bits): Bill, what are you even doing here? You’re not a politician. I don’t even know if you’re a Democrat!

MAHER: (standing up) Yeah? Well I figured you’ve got Bernie here, and he’s no Democrat. So what the f*ck, why shouldn’t I weigh in? After all, I know why you liberals always lose – it’s because you focus on the wrong things, like political correctness, instead of appealing to normal people like me.

SANDERS: YEAH!

OBAMA (finally a bit exercised): Oh – you mean we should cater to arrogant white guys who think they’re all that? I was President of the United States, you jackass. Have a little respect!

THE MEN GO SILENT, CHASTENED.

MAHER: Mr. President, I apologize. I got a bit carried away. It’s been a long day. (smarmily) Keith, why don’t we get back to your whiteboard. I promise I won’t touch it again.

ELLISON (not at all mollified, but willing to play along): All right. I cleaned up Bill’s mess, and here we are. These, gentlemen, are our new targeted Democratic voters.

First, we have Brenda. Brenda is an affluent white woman in the suburbs, who usually votes Republican. Our message? We feel your pain. You don’t want to think about the environment, or foreign policy, or how your vote affects people less fortunate than yourself. You just want lower taxes and an easy life for you and your family. And Brenda, you deserve it!

SANDERS (interrupting): Uh, Keith, I’m sure that’s not the message you want to send to Brenda. Don’t you want to talk to her about millionaires and billionaires taking over the country?

OBAMA: (interrupting): Nah, she’s a woman. Talk to her about taking care of her children!

SCHUMER (interrupting): What about abortion? Why can’t we talk to her about that? That’s the main issue for all women.

MAHER (interrupting): Women care about only one thing – a big schlong and a nice house. Why do you think I get so much action? (pointing) Hung like a horse, my friends.

(The meeting dissolves into chaos and yelling.)

PEREZ (commandingly): STOP! (The chaos calms.) Team, this is a mess. I forget, why are we targeting affluent white women again? And the man, isn’t he white too?

ELLISON (sheepishly): Uh, yes, Tom, yes he is. But remember, white people swung the election to that creep. We’ve got to get them to vote for us so we don’t lose again in 2018!

SANDERS: Yeah!

ELLISON (gaining confidence): I mean, look over here at the map of the United States. Come on, everyone, gather round the other whiteboard!

(Everyone gets up and dutifully looks at the whiteboard.)

SANDERS: Wow, is that Vermont? Huh. I thought it was bigger.

OBAMA (sarcastically): We know, Bernie.

ELLISON (clearing his throat): Ahem! Right. So look where the Democrats have all their support…in the East, West and some areas of the South. There’s very little in the middle of the country. That’s where we have to focus our efforts!

(The group murmurs in agreement, except PEREZ, who is scratching his head.)

PEREZ: So, uh…not to be a party pooper here, but…what about our base? African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, etc.? Shouldn’t we focus on turning them out rather than trying to convert people who never vote Democratic? And what about making sure people can vote in 2018? I heard that voter participation dropped 2-3 percentage points because of all those restrictive voting laws in those middle of the country states. If that hadn’t happened, plus all the Russian hacking and the Comey letter, Hillary would have won in a landslide!

SANDERS (getting red in the face): Oh please. She’s a loser! You should all listen to me. I would have won! It would have been YUGE!

ELLISON: I agree with Bernie. She only won by 3 million votes, and that’s mostly because of California. Who cares? It’s the middle of the country that counts.

SCHUMER: Wait a minute. What about New York? The greatest state in the nation!

(The room starts to get contentious again.)

OBAMA: Hey, hey, everyone. Look, it’s clear that we have some differences of opinion, but I’m confident we can work it all out. The notion that somehow Republicans could win in 2018 is patently absurd. Let’s all reconvene tomorrow, when we’ve gotten a good night’s sleep, and look at everything with fresh eyes. Okay?

(The men mutter and shake hands reluctantly as OBAMA ushers them out. PEREZ lingers behind and takes out his phone.)

PEREZ (quietly, making sure no one is around): Hello, Hillary? It’s me, Tom. (pauses) It was rough today. We really need you back. These guys have no clue! Obama does nothing but talk about himself. Maher makes dirty jokes and snarks. Bernie just yells “millionaires and billionaires” and says you’re a loser, then falls asleep.

(A hearty laugh issues from the phone.)

PEREZ: (chuckling) Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous. Meanwhile, Chuck is too afraid of making enemies to stand up to the others, even though he knows they’re on the wrong track. And Ellison backs whatever Bernie says. It’s a disaster!

(PEREZ pauses for a long moment as CLINTON talks.)

PEREZ: Really? You think it’s time you came out of the woods? Tell me more…

The lights dim and fade out as PEREZ listens to CLINTON.

THE END…?

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69 Responses to "The DNC Makes a Plan: A Play in One Infuriating Act."

Classic MadamaB. But it sounds so authentic that I think you must have bugged DNC HQ.

Love it!!! Agree with Jules, it sounds exactly like those arrogant jackasses. Especially love the surprise ending. You’ve still got the touch, MB.

Oops, didn’t come out. Will try again.

Completely realistic!! I’d love to see this on SNL!!

MB, our resident playwright in residence is back. One potential note: Does Bernie really have to wake up? You pegged Perex just right, he is a huge disappointment — he legitimized Bernie by those stupid unity tours. Here’s a question, if they were Democratic Unity rallies, why do you bring someone who isn’t a Democrat, won’t become a Democrat, doesn’t share his fundraising lists, and is allowing Jeff Weasel to run a separate and competing organization? Good gracious almighty — what fools Democrats are!

Brava! Very entertaining.

THE END…?

Not sure how to think about that question there. The End for HRC in elective politics? I truly believe it is; I take her at her word.

The End for the discussions amongst the “menz” running everything? Eh, doubt it.

@7: I’ve gotten a few mailings from the Dems that I have yet to open. However, when I do, I’ll send them a reply which will include “No Bernie Sanders in any way, shape or form in any official capacity with the Dems”.

Mr. Pundit has a piece today about tRump’s A.P. interview. He takes it apart in his usual and inimitable way.

@11: And this looks worse.
Trump calls for new U.N. sanctions against North Korea

“The status quo in North Korea is also unacceptable,” Trump told a meeting with the 15 U.N. Security Council ambassadors, including China and Russia, at the White House. “The council must be prepared to impose additional and stronger sanctions on North Korean nuclear and ballistic missile programs.”

“This is a real threat to the world, whether we want to talk about it or not. North Korea is a big world problem and it’s a problem that we have to finally solve,” he said. “People put blindfolds on for decades and now it’s time to solve the problem.”

Leave it the fuck alone Donald. They are annoying pests…that’s all.

@12 Hey, let’s try to be positive about the Senators discussing NK with Stump. After hearing Stump babbling about getting us into a nuclear war, maybe they’ll take a closer look at the 25th amendment and get this lunatic out of office. Gotta have something to cling to here.

Pundit, as usual, is great. Now I really want someone to ask Charles Manson what he thinks of Stump.

I need to watch more Ellen these days.

@13: Nah, no positive. The 52 Republican Senators will say “all is well, nothing to worry about, just keep moving”.

I got a fundraising call from the DNC yesterday. Contrask and I donated regularly last election which means they will hound us until the last cow dies. I cut the guy off after he said the call would be recorded for Quality Control purposes. I told him I hoped he recorded it and would send it to the person in charge. I then told him I would never give money to a Democrat again as long as that a$$ Bernie was not kicked to the curb, they quit saying Hillary was a bad candidate and that we need to coddle the trump supporters and try to understand them. I said I was through with supporting an organization that wouldn’t fight for Democratic policies and objectives. I then told him that everyone I know feels this way. There was a pause and before he could say anything I apologized to him and told him I was not mad at him personally but that I was furious at the direction the Party is taking. Another long pause and then he said “Actually no need to apologize to me I feel the same way.” He then said “I’ve been hearing that all day.” So maybe we aren’t the only ones.

Sorry, my comment was in regard to #9.

By the way. Contrask is out of the boot and cleared to drive. She immediately left to go to a resistance meeting at a local library. No flies on her.

Hey all, thanks very much for the compliments! It was fun to write a play again. Fredster, the “The End…?” question mark was about hoping that she at least gives some direction to the DNC. I agree she won’t run for office again.

Native11, thank you so much for that report from the field. I can see why you and Contrask are such a great couple! You’re both bold and brave. And yay, I’m so glad to hear she’s out of the boot and protesting already!

@17: Hey native11, they can’t get me on the phone. I won’t answer the cell if I don’t know the number. Then I search the number and if it’s anything regarding fundraising I add that to the auto reject list. And although I have to report it when I make a contribution I don’t have to listen to their spiel. But congrats on giving the guy an earful. We can only hope that the guy reports it as a response on the call.

@19: Yay! Great to hear that news about contask being out of the boot! What have y’all decided to do with it? Run it over with a road roller perhaps?

@17, Well done! Thanks for sharing. I will save that and say the same the next time I’m bugged about it. Love the end, where you say its not personal…I always do that when I’m complaining about something.

@19, so glad for Contrask! It went by fast, I hope she thinks so! And how great of her to go to a resistance meeting. You guys rock!

@11 & 12, Fredster, that looks ominous. These evil bastards are dying to start a war, no doubt they think it’ll get the nation behind them like 9/11 did for Bush. I don’t think that’ll happen. We’re already fuming with rage and once he allows god-knows-how-many people to be murdered, I think this country (and others) will go berserk.

Off to read pundit.

@10, sums it up very well. And a wicked burn to boot.

@17 Native. Yeeesss! So glad to hear that. And so glad he had heard it before. You covered every point – no more of Bernie criticizing the Party, stop dissing the best person that the party has seen in years, F the Trumpkins and stop feeding this BS to the media. Trump is a disaster.

Glad Contrask has made her move. (Don’t overdo yourself too quickly Contrask)

Happy Perfect Date everyone!

@17> I wonder what the DNC’s fundraising is vs. expectations. If regular DNC donors like us refuse to give because of Bernie, etc. And we know Bernie supporters wouldn’t give their precious money to a horrible thing like DNC. So what is their fundraising like? There might be an influx of new donors, but they must keep track of previous donors then vs. now.

The Perez/Sanders tour is insane. Sanders literally gets up there, talks shit about Democrats. Perez gets booed. I really don’t understand how this is unifying anybody.

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@28: DYB, being cynical here but probably folks like us who are nickle and dime donors don’t mean squat to the DNC as far as whether we want Sanders involved or not. If we were those folks who could donate large sums of money they might listen.

Fredster, that is sad.

I’m glad the Germans booed that phony Ivanka though. I can’t stand listening to her myself, don’t like her voice, diction, or her ridiculous vocabulary.

Speaking of Ivanka:

@37: Good! Hope that’s the first of many to follow. 😉

ROTFLMAO!

Judge blocks Trump’s order on sanctuary cities

A federal judge has blocked a directive from President Donald Trump seeking to deny federal funding to so-called “sanctuary cities” and other localities that decline to cooperate in enforcement of federal immigration laws.

San Francisco-based U.S. District Court Judge William Orrick issued a preliminary injunction Tuesday barring federal officials nationwide from carrying out the portion of a Jan. 25 Trump executive order aimed at cutting off grants to local governments that won’t provide assistance to federal authorities in locating and detaining undocumented immigrants.

Colonel Cornpone is going to be upset because this isn’t a judge on some island in the Pacific Ocean.

Wow! This is a really bad news day for Drumpf and his Children of the Corn. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. 😀

Assange threatens Joy Ann Reid on twitter.

Reid’s initial response is to Greenwald, who blocked me so I don’t know what he said. But then the conversation devolves into Assange threatening her.

Ivanka has a voice like that certain clique of girls in high school (rich usually) – fake whispery that you couldn’t quite tell if they were trying to speak like a little girl or ‘come hither’. Creepy and fake as hell. I always wanted to piss one of them off just to hear them yell. It was quite a conundrum for them when they couldn’t make the cheerleading squad, while the rest of us could. Of course, every once in a while a Mom would lean on a judge and one would slide in. Too bad they couldn’t even play sports either.

I wanted indictments for the 100th day! Here’s article on another meeting Flynn & Jared had https://www.vox.com/2017/3/2/14795758/flynn-kushner-kislyak

In the post I link to @39, it says Ivanka’s poor slaves get less than a dollar an hour, work 60 hours per week, and more. I forget how many tons of her crap have been shipped over here since last Fall, but the point is, she’s another lying, phony, hypocrite just like her horrible father.

Meanwhile, that creep Cilizza is sticking up for Ivanka, and trashing Chelsea. Sickening.

@45: We can hope that they are around the corner.

@46: I saw that annie. Just incredible and so is her hypocrisy.

Contrask! We heard your good news. How is your ankle? And I love your new gravatar. 🙂

I can’t stand Ivanka. She is the epitome of the “born on third base and thought she hit a triple” class.

Yes – 2 shoes are appropriate today! But I’ve walked too much. Easy to overdo they say.
I am waiting patiently for something to open up. Still have yet to hear a single person in my red state having Trump Regrets. The Ivanka/Jared thing is absolutely disgusting. I love it that Germany booed her. Gawd – it’s so embarrassing. Cannot believe this is happening in our government. It’s like watching a really bad reality show.

@51: contrask this morning I caught Alisyn Camerota (?) with a focus group of tRump supporters asking if they were still glad they voted for him, yadda yadda. Bottom line: yep the were. It was disgusting.

and Bernie still spouting opposition to dems on the left. Can’t keep this up, Fredster. And the most talented woman in the country doesn’t even have a place at the table.

@52: How irrational was their rationale for continued support?

Contrask, so happy you are out of the less than fashionable footwear.

Folks, I’m out of commission for a few days. My computer departed this world last evening. It was unexpected. Barely 2 in calendar years, it was ancient in Prolix’s usage years.

It uttered no last words. Just a sudden flutter and it was gone. I spoke with the its creator and there is no rehabilitation of its sorry soul. Its board which is one mother of a board seems to be taking its cue from the chicken in my house and decided to fry itself.

There is no hope for it. Once I pick its memory, it will serve as kindling.

Up here in the mountains UPS and FedEx won’t roam without armed escort since the hill people believe they are part of a gubmint plot to educate and shod the chillun’s. Long story even longer, I might be “off the intertubz” for a few days.

Enjoy the respite from my prolixousness.

See you soon.

@54: Cats3, they were making excuses for everything he’s done and hasn’t done. It was disgusting I turned it off.

I’ll see if I can find a clip on youtube. I’m not going to embed it here but I may provide a link to it. Apparently she had several segments with these folks.

@55: Calling GAgal: We may need a post from you. Just sayin’.

@56: A hopeless bunch. I wonder if the third party voters and those that didn’t vote at all are just as obstinate about their choice/inaction.

@58: Just my opinion but neither of those two groups has a right to say a damned thing.

Cats, you can go here and see this particular group. The guy in the red shirt is just…I don’t know.

@60 that whole panel. Where did they find this group? The lady on 1st row, far right? 95% on American adults need remedial civics. Now!

@61: contrask, I think they were from New Hampshire. I believe I caught something with the woman, bottom row right being some type of New Hampshire party member or something like that. By that point I was both retching and trying to grab the remote to get that off my tv. LOL

What a bummer about Prolix’ computer! Only 2 years old?!?! Good grief. I will check that panel out later.

@62 In the segment they showed yesterday, the woman in front was in tears, voice cracking because the two guys in the back dared to criticize Stump. The guy in the red shirt who’s so mad now said he had always voted Democrat before, then he went to a Stump rally…

As if Obama ever cared what the left thought. 🙄

Former President Barack Obama’s decision to accept a $400,000 fee to speak at a health care conference organized by the bond firm Cantor Fitzgerald is easily understood. That’s so much cash, for so little work, that it would be extraordinarily difficult for anyone to turn it down. And the precedent established by former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, to say nothing of former Federal Reserve Chairs Ben Bernanke and Alan Greenspan and a slew of other high-ranking former officials, is that there is nothing wrong with taking the money.

Indeed, to not take the money might be a problem for someone in Obama’s position. It would set a precedent.

Obama would be suggesting that for an economically comfortable high-ranking former government official to be out there doing paid speaking gigs would be corrupt, sleazy, or both. He’d be looking down his nose at the other corrupt, sleazy former high-ranking government officials and making enemies.

Which is exactly why he should have turned down the gig.

http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/4/25/15419740/obama-speaking-fee

@63: Oh definitely a bummer about his computer. And I’m sure we will be without his great writing Friday for his regular post. Don’t see how he’ll be able to order another one, get it shipped (and received by him) and then be ready for his post.

So it looks like one of us will be taking that day for him. And that’s fine because he has subbed for us before. Just won’t have that great style! LOL!!

Fredster, I’m working on a post, just very simple, that might be good for a day. I’m having trouble setting the images. I click into the text to set and it ends above the title. Also, have one that I can’t upload to library for some reason. I sent you an email about that one. I’ll keep trying. At this point I can’t get the image above the title to “undo”. Maybe my computer, maybe wordpress.

@67: GAgal, I sent you a reply and need some more info. I’m getting ready to crash now so I’ll check that later today. Thnx!!

NEW POST UP!

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