Posted April 21, 2017on:
Operator: Hello, this is the Spitefulness Hotline for Inhumane Troglodytes, S.H.I.T., how may I help you?
Caller: I just called because I’m scared. Really scared.
Operator: Why are you scared?
Caller: I’m a Republican and I’m having doubts.
Operator: Doubts about what?
Caller: Doubts that we are running out of ways to actually hurt people. The only thing that helps me is drinking. Drinking a lot. Well, and the cocaine. That seems to help. Then there’s the sex with my congressional staff. Then there’s the sex with the spouses of my congressional staff. And occasionally there’s the sex with their kids, but…
Operator: Okay, I get it. You’re just an average god-fearing, family values Republican trying to make a difference by delivering spitefulness to those hateful hordes back home.
Caller: You are incredibly perceptive.
Operator: Thank you. I used to work as a Planned Parenthood protester. I could spot those pregos at 50 paces. Everyone said, “If pigs had a nose for truffles, I had a snout for amniotic fluid.” Now, what seems to be the problem today?
Caller: I’m just worried and depressed. What if we can’t come up with new ways to hurt people? I mean how else are we going to hypnotize the bloodthirsty Tea Party types? What are we going to rant and rave about? What if Ann Coulter couldn’t buy that cheeseburger she needs? And how is it fair that Ailes and O’Reilly only got $65 Million?
Operator: Is this the first time you’ve felt this way?
Caller: No. I had a bad case of the sads when we softened up on Civil Rights and the lunch counter thing. And that Bush prescription drug plan! Don’t get me started. The only thing that kept me going during the Bush years was bombing some brown people. Now those were some good times.
Operator: That’s why we’re here. If you are feeling charitable or bighearted, we are here to put the Freon back in your veins. Why’d you want to S.H.I.T. talk today?
Caller: It’s like what happens when you are coming down off a really good coke high. You know no matter how good it gets, it won’t get any better than nose sledding through that pure white snow. I mean really. How does it get any better than charging cancer patients $142,000 more a year for piss poor insurance coverage? How’s it gonna get better than hitting minimum wage working mothers with $17,000 more a year just because they might have a kid at some point? If we don’t have that to look forward to, is life worth living? Can you feel me bro?
Operator: I can feel ya.
Caller: I mean we made sure mentally ill people could get guns. We finally got more mercury back where it belongs – in our air and water. We even said, in our out-loud voices, that cutting Meals on Wheels was the compassionate thing to do. Does it get any better than that? Amirite?
Operator: Have you tried talking with anyone else about these feelings?
Caller: Well, we have cheerleading sessions down in the basement of the Capitol. After we sacrifice some goats, the anime-eyed granny starver gets up and promises to take Medicare away, but he’s just talkin’. Daddy won’t deliver.
Operator: How do you know?
Caller: He’s actually going to give the old folks vouchers. Vouchers, I tell you. Like grocery stores won’t take vouchers for cat food? Of course they will.
Operator: There are always wars. Think about that. Those young Bernbrained bros are about to get a camo-clothing allowance. That’s something to look forward to.
Caller: I know, but how many times can you watch chemical weapons and still get that cold fuzzy feeling? I love the smell of Sarin in the morning.
Operator: Do you have a family?
Caller: No, I ICE’d ‘em last year. Had them deported. It was just a little early Christmas present I gave myself.
Operator: Hey listen, like all good conservative think tanks we run an intellectual support group for those who might be feeling a little too altruistic and not getting their venom on.
Caller: Really, what’s it called?
Operator: S.H.I.T. for Brains. Can we count on you?
Caller: You bet.
Operator: We like to keep anonymous data on our callers for statistical purposes. We have a few questions. Just exactly how white are you?
Caller: I was the centerfold for Cracker Quarterly.
Operator: What sign were you born under?
Caller: Tuscaloosa 12 miles.
Operator: Who has been your greatest influence?
Caller: Porn stars.
Caller: On camera, no one changes positions faster.
Operator: That’s all I need. Thanks for calling. Spread S.H.I.T. around.
Caller: I feel better. Here’s a little virtual fist bump just like the one Kush, ever so gently but firmly, gave me as we reached for the same Egyptian 1,500 thread count sheets.
End of recording.
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