Posted November 23, 2016on:
Coming up with a theme wasn’t easy this year. I thought about doing a takeoff on Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children and entitling it Miss Melania’s Tower for Beastly Boys, but there weren’t enough arrows in that quiver.
So here are some things for which I’m backhandedly thankful.
Thanks to Mike Pence for proving Hoosier hypocrisy is second to none when it comes to the disclosure of emails.
Also, thanks to Mr. Pence for ensuring Donald Trump will be safe for four years as he works on the destruction of the Republican Party.
Thanks to Jefferson Beauregard Sessions for proving racism isn’t just a job requirement for Alabama Senator, but it can also be an asset for the highest law enforcement officer in the country.
Thanks to Steve Bannon for proving to middle-aged Coke addicts there’s always a second act.
Thanks to Donald Trump for not saying “just kidding” after telling white supremacists to “stop it” on 60 Minutes and then naming Bannon and Jefferson Beauregard Sessions to Administration positions.
Thanks to Rudy Giuliani for proving that the extortion of millions of dollars and poor dental hygiene are not mutually exclusive.
Thanks to bankers for proving an entire industry can be into submissiveness in S & M relationships.
As for white supremacists, thanks to the Alt-right for proving you can’t be too crazy to have a platform. Also, thanks to the Alt-right for single-handedly making great strides in turning the country bilingual by translating their speeches from the original German.
Thanks to the Judge in Texas who saved accountants the trouble of calculating paycheck increases for millions of working class Americans by enjoining the raises proposed by President Obama and the Democrats in Congress. Make America great again by working overtime at the same hourly rate.
Thanks to the pundits for using “angry white working class” when “angry white” was enough.
Thanks to Sherwin-Williams for the new spring color, “Angry White”, it is a retro-color that can only be used in areas where time stopped in the 1950s and lady parts are only discussed at the beauty parlor.
Thanks to Donald Trump for creating a market for old pictures of German World War II soldiers by tweeting them out superimposed over the American flag.
Thanks to the Trump Transition Team for draining the swamp by replacing old lobbyist swamp creatures with new lobbyist swamp creatures.
Thanks to the press for not bothering us with the intricacies of the tax-dodging, law-breaking Trump Foundation since it was so much easier to understand than the contrivance around the non-existent conflicts of the Clinton Foundation in keeping eleven million people alive.
And also, thanks to the press for the temporary amnesia around the ten thousand or so articles during the election about the “forgotten white working class man” since all it would have taken was one more article to prove the anger had nothing to do with racism.
One last thanks to the press for not confusing us with any investigative analysis proving that the manufacturing jobs the “forgotten white working class men” were always complaining about were never in the rural areas where these “forgotten angry voters” were.
Thanks to the Robert Mercer family for proving in America any old multi-billionaire can buy an election if you launder your money hard enough.
Thanks to Kris Kobach for not knowing about cover sheets or folders because we wouldn’t want his plan to round-up 3 million people to be a surprise for everyone.
Thanks to Chris Christie for proving lap-band surgery does nothing to reduce one’s ego.
Thanks to Ben Carson for being a fast learner since H.U.D. is only a half a trillion dollar generator and last week he said he wasn’t qualified to run an agency, but since he grew up in a house in a city he believes he’s got the housing, urban, and development parts covered.
Thanks to Donald Trump for reminding everyone what emoluments are and that people still read the Constitution.
Thanks to James Comey for proving a paranoid, subversive, cross-dressing Director isn’t the worst thing or biggest embarrassment that can happen to the F.B.I.
And a final thanks to Hillary Clinton for being too good for America and proving the Harvard research correct that found there is always a backlash against women in leadership positions, no matter how qualified, no matter how experienced, and no matter how extraordinarily capable they are.
Friends, 2016 has sucked. Hard. But, I am thankful we made this journey together. We are more clear-eyed, resilient, and defiant. For those things we can be truly thankful.
Your thankfulness thoughts or just your thoughts will be gratefully appreciated.
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