The Banana Republican Address…
Posted July 21, 2016on:
Through our extensive connections here at The Widdershins, we have secured an advanced copy of the Boogey Yam’s acceptance speech. It sounds familiar. See what you think? Now imagine the clamoring Yam in all his glorious orangeness as he says…
Three score and ten years ago my father brought forth on this continent a new son, conceived through sperm, so good, such beautiful sperm, dedicated to the proposition that his new son was created without equal.
Now we are engaged in a yuge political war, testing whether our nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure my narcissism. We are met on a great conclave of that political war along a fault line that cleaves the country into two vastly unequal parts and we come, quite ironically, to a city called Cleveland. You have come to dedicate yourself to me, as a final burial ground of your dignity, your integrity, and any semblance of caring about this country. You have given your self-respect so that my self-aggrandizement might flourish. It is altogether fitting and proper that you should do this.
But, in a larger sense, you cannot supplicate enough, you cannot grovel enough, you cannot prostrate yourself sufficiently to my cavernous gaping maw of egotistical need. There have been steroidal men and a cavalcade of unctuous women, living and dead, who struggled to bow low enough that I might walk on their backs in order to ever add to and never detract from my self-certified greatness.
The world will always note, and long remember what folly is committed here; it can never forget what was done to a once great political party in this place. It is for you the living, to be dedicated henceforth to the unfinished work of my adulation, supplication, and bootlicking sycophancy which you have agreed and thus far have so nobly advanced.
It is for you to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before you—that from these honored halls you take increased devotion to me and which I ask your last full measure of adoration—that you here highly resolve that my efforts at self-ennoblement and glorification shall not be in vain, although my vanity is yuge—that this nation shall have a new birth of greatness and whiteness—and that government through my coronation shall not perish from the earth as long as me, and my sons, Uday Don and Qusay Eric, continue to rule from Trump Tower, roam about on Air Trump, drink Trump Water, eat Trump Steaks, play with Trump Cards, imbibe Trump wine, wear Trump ties, scam money through Trump University, and lie about contributing to charities all in the name of Trump. So help me Trump.
My apologies to Abe Lincoln and condolences to all those who have been tricked, bamboozled, and cheated by Donald Trump. I can’t include the Republican Party because the RNC began laying the groundwork for Trump with Nixon’s southern strategy fifty years ago, focused it with a bitterly unfair Reagan economic policy, and ran the country and a good part of the world aground with Bush lying us into an interventionist war without basis.
Trump is a Republican project that has been gestating for fifty years. Congratulations — it’s a boy! The Party deserves the rot that is Donald Trump.
What’s on your mind today?
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