The Republican South Carolina Debate…
Posted January 14, 2016on:
Good afternoon Widdershins.
How about a debate? Well, I have some good news for you. Tonight, for your viewing pleasure and intellectual consternation, we have yet another Republican talking hootenanny.
The festivities begin at 9:00 pm Eastern tonight. The business porn channel of the One Percent, a/k/a the Fox Business Network, will televise the jamboree. It will be streaming at FoxBusiness.com.
Like successful bedbug eradication, there will only be seven of the remaining twelve candidates in the main event — Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Jeb! Bush, and John Kasich. That is the order in which they qualified under the more stringent polling guidelines (never too late for some standards).
The undercard, beginning at 6:00 pm Eastern, will be Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, and Rick Santorum. Rand Paul is boycotting with “boy” being the operative word.
People are saying this field of candidates resembles the end of any Tarantino movie where everyone is pointing a gun at everybody else. There are likely to be two main battles – Trump v. Cruz, and everyone else v. Rubio.
The Trump v. Cruz intellectual fisticuffs will have the depth of a dime store mirror:
Trump: Canadian bacon ain’t real bacon.
Cruz: Why do you think they call New York the “Big Apple” – its values are no better than the original sin.
The everyone else v. Rubio bout promises to be more entertaining. There’s the attack from the Trump stooge, Roger Stone, who says: “Marco Rubio has never run anything. I’m not sure he could run a bath.”
There’s also the possibility of some sort of choral sing-along: “These boots are made for flippin’ and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days young Marco’s gonna flip, flop, flip on you.”
All this frivolity will be coming to us from the Palmetto State. It was the eighth state to ratify the Constitution and the very first state to ratify the Articles of the Confederacy. What can I say, South Carolina is like that drunk fraternity rushee who signs a bunch of pledge cards – just a natural-born joiner.
South Carolina also has a Lake Strom Thurmond named after its racist, philandering senator of nearly fifty years. It’s the only known domestic lake entirely comprised of whitewater.
We will be live blogging the debate tonight. Please stop by and bring your tongue-sharpeners. Leave your good manners and discretion at the door, it will be free-flowing snark all around.
See you around 9:00 pm Eastern.
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