The Fear Awakens: Episode V…
Posted December 16, 2015on:
In a galaxy far, far away where reality is in shorter supply than oxygen, there was a Republican debate appearing for all the universe as an orgasmic bacchanal of fear. The denizens of this galaxy have huge amygdalae – secreting so much fear juice they are a people who have never been photographed from the front – only from the rear as these fearful, fleet-footed denizens are always running away.
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republicans since their quadrennial festival of scariness has led to the brink of a most uncivil war.
The Oligarchs of the Galactic Republicans have dispatched their billionaires to try to settle the conflict. So far their money has only fanned the flames of revolt and revulsion.
There are few, if any, heroes in this uncivil war. Evil seems to be everywhere and coveted by those angered by some fairy-tale, mythical reality only they can perceive.
In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Cruz, has declared carpet bombing of innocents to be his tactic of choice even though it is a war crime of the highest order.
At times Chancellor Carson suffers from narcolepsy combined with unhelpful sleep talking. Jedi warriors were dispatched to check his pulse and his grasp of reality. Alas, they were too late.
The most bellicose of the chicken hawks are appropriately found in the Jersey Snookie Café operated by Jabba the Christie. It is there where Global Thermonuclear War is the preferred game of chance.
In this most uncivil war, it appears that the Tea Party extremists are winning against the evil Republican Establishment Empire. The Empire Establishment seems to be on the run. It appears the Sith Lord Trump has made the others look almost respectable and mainstream while sinister Tea Party agents called Kochoids have chummed the waters for the ever-hungry shark-like warriors.
In the meantime, Princess Carly raced home aboard her HP star printer as custodian of the stolen ink jets and proclaimed her ability to run companies into the ground and fire people, thereby restoring their freedom to be unemployed and unhampered by a paycheck.
This period of the uncivil war is a vicious time. From hidden bases, rebel Super Pacs make plans to overwhelm the Republican Establishment Empire. During the battles, the Oligarchs’ rebel spies unleash their ultimate immigration weapon upon the blue-collar worker drones of the Republican Empire.
Indeed, it is a dark time for the Galactic Republicans. It seems as though their strategy of depleting the opposition by depriving them of health care has not worked. The evil lord Reince Priebus has dispatched thousands of remote probes, armed with lies and innuendoes, into the far reaches of the Empire through Fox Spews and talk radio. The probes all seemed to orbit the dying planet of Benghazi, but the Priebus probes never make it into the dirty places where the Republican Establishment Empire has, for so long, desired to be probed. A dark and sad time has unfolded.
Please excuse the over-reliance upon the Star War movie crawls. To say the least, this isn’t my most erudite post and falls far outside the standards of the Widdershin world.
What did you think of last night’s happy holidays debate about killing and maiming innocent refugees or starting World War III? Did you, like the participants, long for the good old days of 9/11? Or do you look forward to another fifteen years in an unwinnable war among religious zealots striving for those good old seventh century values? And one other question, is there possibly a better way to scare your children this holiday season?
Have a great Wednesday.
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