Weak end to the weekend…
Posted September 26, 2015on:
A happy weekend to all Widdershinners. This weekend’s stories are from a variety of sources such as our friends at News of the Weird. Enjoy!
At one point in his life, David Cameron, British Prime Minister, took the words of E.B. White in Charlotte’s Web regarding Wilbur the pig quite literally. Those words were, “Wilbur didn’t want food, he wanted love.”
Cameron, the hoity-toity Prime Minister, is a product of aristocratic privilege. He’s so straight-laced and uptight, when he has gas his butt whistles like a teakettle.
In a tell-all book from a jilted contributor here’s the story: During an initiation to a select, highly discriminating club, future Prime Minister Cameron allegedly placed his private parts into the mouth of a dead pig – something along the lines of boy meets hog in the most intimate fashion.
For the record, it was the first time, “Sooey Pig,” actually became the sweet-nothings of foreplay. It can’t be characterized as normal, consensual man/pig love since the irrumation was post pig passing, or in the vernacular it was “necropiglia”.
To date, no industrious British pub has put a BLT, a BLP, on its menu (the “P” doesn’t stand for pig).
Dirty, dirty boyz and girlz…
Having started with a pig/human coupling, I had to follow-up with this one.
The Cambridge, Massachusetts, company AOBiome believes we have dangerously stripped “good bacteria” from our skins via “excessive cleaning”. AOBiome has introduced a spray product called “Mother Dirt” to add back what they consider good bacteria to our skin.
Chemical engineer and co-founder Dave Whitlock told WBZ-TV this month that he personally “has not taken a shower in over 12 years,” but instead uses his odorless bacteria-restoring mist twice a day to cover himself with helpful “dirt” that activates the “good” bacteria. Such personal grooming habits also keep staph staff meetings mercifully brief and to the point.
More Animal Farm nonsense…
I’m on a roll with the animals this weekend.
According to a petition filed two weeks ago by Carole Mundy (and reported in the New York Post), she is seeking a divorce from her estranged husband Jeffrey Stein. Stein is a “top administrator” for New York’s Nassau County District Attorney’s office.
According to Mundy’s petition, Stein’s behavior drove her to post-traumatic stress disorder with certain of his “lifestyle” choices. The sordid details go like this:
Stein sometimes wore a chastity belt to work. Now, I ask you, “Who doesn’t on occasion?”
Sometimes during sex, Stein wore diapers. At other times, he wore “a horse-tail” attached via an anal plug (now there’s some efficient engineering). Stein “gallop(ed)” around their home, but sometimes had a catch in his giddy-up because of his anal regalia. Stein was housebroken and used a litter box, thereby alleviating messy clean-ups.
For foreplay, Stein had his wife “walk” him on a leash. When he was feeling really sassy, he dressed like a “sissy maid” named “Jessica.” To top things off, Mundy complained about the relatively normal behavior of Stein wanting to be fed and diapered like a baby.
Mundy’s lawyer complained that the marriage was “a bedroom nightmare.” I would suggest to Ms. Mundy’s lawyer, don’t be too quick to judge if he hasn’t yet attended the extracurricular activities of the ultra-conservative Values Voter Summit going on right now in D.C. Compared to Mr. Stein’s antics, the VVS attendees look like summa cum laude graduates of the Caligula School of Debauchery and Scrapbooking.
Only in Murica and in particular Flo Rida’s home…
Spike’s Tactical of Apopka, Florida, introduced its version of the AR-15 assault rifle this summer “designed to never be used by Muslim terrorists,” as if that is something anyone other than a slime ball marketer would think about.
The AR-15 is laser-etched on one side with a symbol of the Christian Crusades and on the other, language from Psalm 144 (just for giggles, I looked it up, here’s Verse 1: Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight).
Spike’s Tactical CEO Angela Register predicted brisk sales: “Men like to accessorize their guns more than women like to accessorize their outfits.”
Since this is obviously a marketing ploy, I wonder why they didn’t offer a three-fer special where in addition to the AR-15 everyone got a free mullet trim and a spell check on their tattoos.
Forget sexual orientation, let’s move on to highway maintenance…
For years now we have heard about “praying the gay away.” Michele Bachmann’s sweet cheeks, Marcus, made a fortune at it and got paid by the government for “absolutely faaaaabulous gay exorcism”.
Well, Jackson, Mississippi, was listening. The streets of Jackson apparently have potholes capable of swallowing a life-sized Haley Barbour and these mini-canyons are needlessly slowing down the Klan parades – those sheets and torches don’t deliver themselves.
Here’s the problem, Jackson doesn’t have an adequate budget to fix them.
So what’s a mayor to do? Jackson’s Mayor Tony Yarber came up with his solution in the hot, sultry, cut-the-humidity-with-a-butter-knife, dog days of August. His earnestly offered remedy: Prayer.
Said Yarber, “I believe we can pray potholes away.” Yarber didn’t elaborate on whether or not the potholes just grew that way or they were exhibiting a lifestyle choice.
Mr. Daniel Gentleman, 28, was charged with choking and punching his fiancé in Prescott, Arizona.
Ms. Charlene Mess, 48, was charged with killing her husband and burying his body in a manure pile in Attica, N.Y. Ms. Mess was always nasty.
Mr. Huckleberry Finn was charged with sexual assault in Keene, New Hampshire. No word yet on whether or not Huck had help from Tom Sawyer.
And when the FDA approved the so-called “female Viagra” drug Addyl in August, it was a big deal. The announcement garnered lots of attention and I’m sure the selection of the spokesperson was painstakingly undertaken. When asked about the side-effects, FDA spokesperson Dr. Janet Woodcock, said, “There are no hard and fast, hard and fast, hard and fast rules.”
Here’s a video for your viewing pleasure.
Have a great weekend and feel free to take the conversation in any direction you might like to explore.
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