Posted September 7, 2015on:
Good morning, MB has a well-deserved day off. Here’s my offering to the Widdershin world this fine Labor Day.
Some say consistency is a virtue. If that is true, the intellectually lazy are extremely virtuous. They always, without fail, endeavor to draw false equivalencies between Republicans and Democrats which is always easier than addressing the issues at hand.
Doubtless there are some equivalencies between the parties, but in one area there is no parity. Where there is no comparison is playing to the cheap seats on policy. There is nary a bit of competition there – Republicans win going away.
Democrats almost always end up proposing functional policies usually centering on raising taxes and increased governmental regulation. On the flip side, Republicans, more often than not, proclaim everything is easy-peasy – all you need is a little common sense to solve any problem no matter the complexity.
Republicans get out the Ronaldus Maximus Ouija board, recite the “government is the problem” incantation, and gleefully celebrate with those “ignorance is bliss” glazed-over googly eyes.
When I hear the rationale of “there are no easy answers, only simple solutions,” I start breaking glass so that I may take a nice, relaxing crawl through it. The basis of this cockeyed notion is that understanding how government works isn’t necessary and is actually a hindrance to getting things done.
When I hear willful ignorance celebrated in such fashion, I have one of three thoughts:
- I gotta try functional alcoholism, it seems fun;
- Incest products say the darndest things; or
- Someone needs to water those idiots.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this, but admittedly, not as much time as I have spent trying to figure out why John McEnroe is the spokes-toenail for Jublia anti-fungal medicine, but I digress. Here are a few examples of what happens when you start believing you are the first person ever to think up crazy stuff.
Hewlett-Packard went through a definite evolution during Fiorina’s tenure. It went from a venerable institution to a “Hellish Pit” where 30,000 people got canned while she overpaid billions for a merger with a legacy business enjoying a downhill luge run. Add to those fun facts, on the day Fiorina was fired, HP’s stock went up 7%.
Fiorina’s next great idea is turning every policy question into an “American Idol” type dial-in poll on everyone’s smart phones. Here’s the problem with that brain-trickle.
Not everyone has a smart phone. Not everyone cares to have a smart phone. And having a bunch of uninformed, unintelligent, and unwitting people voting on stuff is redundant – that’s why we have Congress.
Chris Christie’s big idea is tracking all immigrants like FedEx packages. Here’s the slogan that would be on the walls of Immigration and Customs Enforcement break rooms: When your immigration program has to be absolutely, positively the most insane in the world, try tattooing Thirteen Million people.
Christie’s lap band has obviously slipped down around his small intestines because he’s filling up with enormous amounts of crap. Here’s a news flash – packages, unlike people, don’t have free will and unless you are having a minor touch of delirium tremors, packages don’t walk around either.
So in order for Christie’s grand FedExigrant plan to work, there seem to be two alternatives:
- Stuff all immigrants into cardboard boxes (in a major concession air holes are likely to be allowed); or
- Assign each and every immigrant a personalized FedEx-type watcher.
I’m relatively positive Christie isn’t the first person to have thought of this idea, but the other people who thought of it couldn’t write it down because they were restrained by leather straps.
The Wyoming Nesting Dolls, the a.k.a. the Cheneys
In their new book, Dick and Liz have made everything exceedingly simple. They’ve given us a checklist of really good stuff to do. For instance:
- We have to teach our children about the benefits of using thermonuclear devices;
- We have to constantly remind ourselves that Gitmo is, in essence, a Club Fed where waterboarding should be happening on the half-hour out on the lanai; and
- Conquered people, like the Iraqis, love having our boots on their throats as a sign of endearing foreplay.
Those are three of Dick and Liz’s best suggestions for taking a big red eraser to history.
Donald Trump is gum on your shoe without any of the fun. His whole world is completely binary: You are a winner or you are a loser. You are a One or you are a Zero. It just so happens unless you are spawned from his orange-hued loins, you are a loser.
How about this little nugget if you are looking for the apex of Mt. Hypocrisy? Four of Trump’s five children are children of immigrant mothers. So after Donald cobbles together his little continent dividing wall, his next immigration solution will undoubtedly be his personal fertilization of all anchor babies. Rest assured, they will be beautiful, they will be winners, and he will love and cherish them.
Voltaire said, “To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.” From what we’ve seen so far in this presidential race, there’s plenty of world-class stupid, not much in the way of manners, and little hope for national success. Voltaire, just like the rest of us, wouldn’t be amused.
Your thoughts on any subject are enthusiastically encouraged.
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