A weak weekend…
Posted August 22, 2015on:
Good morning Widdershinners! We made it through another week where about one-eighth of the electorate believes we should be governed in some sort of reality show. Given the coloring of Trump and Boehner, orange will indeed be the new black.
For those expecting Chat, I poked my considerable nose under the fence with this post and she kindly allowed me to go ahead with it.
Here’s hoping your week has been a good one and your weekend is even better. And now the news…
“The worshipful treatment of pets may be the thing that unites all Americans,” wrote an Atlantic Magazine blogger in July, describing the luxury terminal for animals under construction at New York’s JFK airport. Known as the ARK, it will offer shower stalls for traveling horses (without showers, horses have long-faces), “conjugal stations” for the forever-horny penguins (who knew penguins were over-sexed), and housing for nearly 200 cows (that might produce 5,000 pounds of manure every day making politicians envious) — and passengers traveling with dogs or cats can book the Paradise 4 Paws pet-pampering resort. The ARK is a for-profit venture; said one industry source, quoted in a July Crain’s New York Business report, “You hear stories about the crazy money that rich people spend on their animals … they’re mostly true.”
Nathaniel Harrison, 38, was arrested in July in a Phoenix suburb on several charges, including possession of a deadly weapon during a felony, but he escaped an even more serious charge when a second “deadly weapon” failed to engage. Harrison reportedly intended to retaliate against a “snitch” and arrived at the man’s home carrying a rattlesnake, which he supposedly pointed at the man, hoping it would bite him. However, the snake jammed and mis-fanged – or whatever one calls such things – and Harrison’s attempted payback failed. It was recommended to Harrison that he take his mis-fanging snake to a herpetarium, but he indignantly replied, “I don’t have a cold sore.”
There is a definite correlation between Phoenix and kinky animal stories. Last month, Michael Crawford, 68, was arrested when he arrived in Phoenix expecting, according to the sheriff’s office, to have sex with a horse. This raises the obvious question: How big is the illicit horse sex trade in Phoenix that the sheriff’s office went full gallop and created a sting operation? In any event, Crawford had allegedly posted an online ad seeking horse owners who would allow him access for brief “mount mountings”. It is unclear how the horses learned to read the personal hook-up ads. In arranging the horse date with an undercover deputy who I’m sure is known as the Horse Whispering Pimp, Crawford volunteered that he would be bringing five shirts upon which the horse was expected to urinate and thereby serve as mementos of the trip. Nothing says true love like horse urine. He only brought five shirts because even lovers of horses need their weekends off.
Olympic Update and a new meaning for the word “floatie”…
Despite repeated assurances by Olympic officials, it appears more certain than ever those 2016 boating and surfing events in Brazil’s Guanabara Bay and Rodrigo de Freitas Lake will be conducted in water so polluted with human sewage that every athlete will almost certainly be struck with fever, vomiting and diarrhea. An August Associated Press report revealed the waters’ virus levels (of fecal coliform and other viruses) are as high as 2 million times the level that would close down a California beach. One U.S. water-quality expert advised all athletes to move to Rio ahead of the games — to try to build up immunity. I never in my life thought I’d ever type or think about the words – pre-Olympic fecal training, but like with so many things, it’s just a matter of context.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage is, to put it mildly, less than popular. On occasion, the Maine legislature has overridden the Tea Partier’s veto with a unanimous vote in both Houses of the Maine legislature – 100% of both parties. Last month there was legislation passed to make immigrant asylum-seekers eligible for the state’s General Assistance fund. This wasn’t to Gov. LePage’s liking and he aggressive promised to veto the bill. Unfortunately, the governor and his staff misunderstood state law believing legislation would be regarded as vetoed if he merely ignored it and failed to sign it for 10 days. According to press reports, LePage appeared stunned on the 11th day when he learned his understanding of the veto law was backward and asylum-seekers were now eligible for benefits. This is what happens when the last time you studied government was in the eighth grade – take note Donnie Trump, Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina.
Misunderstanding the concept…
The San Diego County Fair offered something unique in the deep-fried category this year. This was the first year of the deep-fried Slim-Fast bar. The recipe: A 200-calorie “diet bar” breaded in pancake batter, fried, dusted with powdered sugar, and drizzled with chocolate.
Jason Patterson, upset that New Zealand’s health care administration has rejected paying for gastric bypass surgery, announced last month that he will protest publicly. He will protest by going on a hunger strike — also known as a diet. “The first two to three days will be really hard,” he said as he makes the case for old-fashioned dieting without surgical intervention.
Zoologists at the University of Basel in Switzerland recently published a study in a prestigious British journal reporting the very real likelihood that a certain flatworm species has overcome the frustration of not finding a mating partner. The scientists believe the flatworm exploits its hermaphroditic qualities and injects its sperm into its own head, from which the sperm migrates to its reproductive facilities. In a related story, scientists are reasonably sure they now know where fraternity pledges come from.
Enjoy the video and consider this the gaping maw of open threads.
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