The Widdershins

The Progeny of Ham the Astrochimp…

Posted on: August 4, 2015

Being the well-read Widdershinners you are, you already knew Ham was the first Hominidae launched into space.  Ham was affectionately known as the first “astrochimp”.  Given the proclivities of the Republican field for flinging waste, I thought it would be entertaining to catalog this troop of politichimps.

The following is a list of questions about certain issues for Thursday night debate.  The answers should be cataloged as the time elapsed from the beginning of the debate until the event.  For instance, question one asking, “When will Trump use his first superlative?”  Given the elapsed time from the beginning of the debate until it happens, that would be answered 0:02 — meaning two seconds after the debate begins.

We will tally up the times and the person with the total time closest to the events will be declared Jane Goodall of the politichimps.  In the event of a tie, there is a tiebreaker.

The debate is Thursday evening at 9:00 P.M. EDT on your Faux News channel.  There will be a “kids’ table” debate earlier at 5:00 P.M., but this contest is reserved for the big politichimp event at 9:00.


  1. At what point will Donald J. Trump use his first superlative — e.g., best, most brilliant, highest envy, lowest loser?
  2. At what point will someone say Obama or Barrack Obama?
  3. At what point will someone say Hillary or Hillary Clinton?
  4. At what point will someone say Obamacare?
  5. At what point will someone say Benghazi?
  6. At what point will someone say “secure the border”?
  7. At what point will someone say the Iran deal sucks?
  8. At what point will someone take on the Supreme Court over marriage equality?
  9. At what point will one candidate say the name of another candidate?
  10. At what point will someone say the country is at a crossroads/cliff/precipice/in danger/existentially threatened/in its darkest days – you get the idea?

Tie breaker:  Which candidate or candidates will fail their urine tests and why?

Please feel free to share your thoughts and your total time.




31 Responses to "The Progeny of Ham the Astrochimp…"

Well *this* ought to be interesting.

Will I need to tune in at 6pm? I never watch Faux, so I don’t know how their channel works timewise. I would have to tune in @ 6p anyway, to blog with you guys, hope the debate will on then here.

I still can’t wrap my head around the idea that Donald Trump is the republicans first choice for president.

Just for the record, I have had to poke out my mind’s eye this evening — Chris Christie telling me he has used birth control, not of the rhythm method, is way too much information for my delicate constitution.

I just might have a case of the Lady Lindsey vapors, “Lawdy sakes alive, tell that man to stifle his baser instincts!”

Here ya go Prolix, you may need this.

@3, I imagine that it will be 6:00 your time, but I just used the googling machine and couldn’t find it for certain.

This is sorta related, but it’s not — I was just watching “All In” on MSNBC — Alex Wagner is subbing for Chris Hayes. She had in one segment the spokesperson for creeeeeeeepy Ted Cruz’ campaign — Rick Tyler. He’s a retread’s retread — he’s been passed around more often than a dirty penny.

So Rick Tyler, not a rocket scientist, was talking about the debate and started on this totally psycho-time warp riff on the 5:00 EDT debate being 8:00 PDT and the 9:00 PDT debate being held on PDT really being 12:00 midnight EDT. Totally unbelievably absolute inanity that a second grader would know better. Alex Wagner finally interrupted him and said, “5:00 EDT is 2:00 PDT — now do you want to answer that question again?”

Somehow I always knew Ted Cruz was the type of person who never wanted anyone around him that might be smarter than he was. He’s safe around his spokesdolt, Rick Tyler.

@6, Do you have anything stronger?

@8: Well since it *was* your mind’s eye, perhaps a few belts of Scotch?

@9, I’m likin’ that idea.

We haven’t set the clocks back yet have we? Even CNN screwed up the time:

The first GOP primary debate will take place Thursday at 9 p.m. EST on Fox News, is co-hosted by Facebook and will feature the top 10 leading candidates for the GOP nomination.

@10: Go for it! 🙂

@7, LOL! What a halfwit. Cruz deserves him.

Did anybody watch the Luntz focus group? OMG it was a regular food fight with people screaming at each other. I mean really how can the GOP credibly say Trump is a shyster when he meets all the requirements that they have been telling their base make for the best people. He’s rich therefore he creates jobs.

@13, can you even imagine going into the office tomorrow and have to face people after a four-tire blowout, pile up wreck like that? I would be mortified — how could you justify it under any stretch of the imagination?

And it is his job to talk to the press — it’s like having Forrest Gump running the Federal Reserve.

@14, 110% agree with you — Trump is the Frankenstein created by Fox for the Republican Party — an outrage machine on a constant agitation cycle.

Trump is the classic trickling Republican.

Ga6th: Where was that shown? I’d like to try to find it or have some more info and maybe find it on youtube.

Prolix@14: Maybe his co-workers will get him a big pop-up book or something on how to tell time and how to figure out time zones differences. 😆

Amazon can be your friend.

The author also has books on BIG numbers and little ones too.

@18 & 19, what would really be fun and a bit evil, would be to explain to him that there is a 3-hour difference and then ask him, how many time zones in the U.S. mainland? When you told him 4, he would undoubtedly blow something essential in his head.

It was such a wonderful teevee moment when he got called out by Alex Wagner, you could just see it in his eyes — sorta like when you have caught the dog in the trashcan.

@20: Damn! I’ll have to try and catch a reply of that.

I love the contest idea! I have an office party Thursday night, but will do my darndest to get home and blog by 9 am. Uh, PM. Uh…what was the question again? 😊

BTW, I wonder if Faux has considered the logistical challenges of fitting Trump’s and Christie’s egos together on the same stage?! They’d better be filming in the Grand Canyon.

mb@23: It will be in the Quicken Loans Arena, home location for the Cavaliers.

capacity 20k+ Should be enough room for the two of them. Audience will probably have to be outside watching on Jumbotrons.

We’re going to put up a “cheat sheet” or scorecard for the debate so you’ll be able to print it out and make a note about your guess and the actual time one of the clowns er candidates says it. I’ll put it up here sometime tomorrow.

@23, the 5:00 under card, kiddie table debate is appropriately scheduled at happy hour. My advice would be to over-indulge so that by 9:00 the main stage chimps make sense.

@27, as you mentioned above, how can any of these Fox freaks turn their backs on little Donald J., the love child of Roger Ailes and Lizzie Borden.

Prolix said: My advice would be to over-indulge so that by 9:00 the main stage chimps make sense.

Excellent advice. 🙂

Ga6th: Thank you for providing the fox link…I think. 😯

“…the love child of Roger Ailes and Lizzie Borden.”


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