Weak end for the weekend…
Posted June 20, 2015on:
For this weekend’s exercise in mindlessness, here are some stories for your enjoyment. As always, I’m grateful to the compilers of News of the Weird and the Weird Universe. Warning: This post contains an unedited Brazilian-Germanic name that some readers might find offensive. I apologize in advance.
Mark Gubin lives in Milwaukee. For 27 years he has had a “Welcome to Cleveland” sign painted on his roof. Passengers on flights arriving at Milwaukee’s Mitchell International Airport are often disconcerted and sometimes panicked by the sign, but it’s all in good fun according to Gubin. He says, “Living in the world is not a dress rehearsal. You better have fun with it.” I want to be a friend of Mr. Gubin.
With the NBA season finally over, rent the luxurious lane…
Apartment buyers in ridiculously expensive Hong Kong are now eagerly paying up to the equivalent of $500,000 (US) for units not much bigger than a U.S. parking space. Typically you can physically self-measure the apartments by your own wing-span. An agent told the Wall Street Journal this month that standard furniture does not fit in these units and that having guests over requires sitting on the window sill. The Journal pointed out a typical “mosquito” apartment unit in Hong Kong is 180 square feet, much, much smaller than the 304 square feet of a basketball court’s “lane” subject to a “3-second” violation. A government lottery in Hong Kong for subsidized housing units rewards barely one of every one-hundred applicants.
It’s always who you know…
According to a Radio Free Europe dispatch, some jihadists who have traveled to Syria to join ISIS have been complaining of late. Their complaints center on being unable to secure work as “martyrs” because of discrimination by previously recruited and tenured fighters. One “pro-ISIS” cleric said they “are so fed up with the long waiting lists in Syria that they end up heading to Iraq, where the lists are shorter.” One new budding martyr jihadist said, “Saudis are controlling the suicide rosters in the Syrian theater and won’t let anyone in. They always allow their relatives to go to the front of the line.”
It was an awkward moment for Corey Huddleston, 52, of Dickson, Tennessee. He had apparently taken a fancy to a local teenage girl. According to police, to advance his intentions he knocked on her family’s front door, then pushed his way in, asked for cigarettes and beer, “touched himself” inappropriately, asked about the girl, and then reluctantly bid everyone adieu. However, he cleverly went around to a back window of a darkened bedroom, climbed inside, and fondled a sleeping figure in bed, whom he assumed was the girl. To put a punctuation on what was already a big night in Dickson, the sleeping figure was not the girl, but the girl’s father. The fondled father later confessed that he called the police only after resisting the impulse to kill Huddleston. It should be noted that Mr. Huddleston is quite accomplished since his police rap sheet shows more than one-hundred charges. Nobody likes a quitter.
In other Tennessee news, notwithstanding anything you might have seen in the movies, stealing a two-hundred pound floor model safe is a very low-return crime. This sage wisdom was lost on three pals in Kingsport, Tennessee. After struggling to load the safe into a car’s trunk and accidentally shattering the back window, they drove to one of the three’s apartment. Even though it was the middle of the night, police were called when neighbors saw the safe being dragged across a parking lot. Highly trained in evidence collection, the police followed the gouge marks left by the safe in the parking lot and on the sidewalks leading straight to the apartment where the safe had been taken. When the officers were admitted to the apartment, there was the unopened safe in the middle of the kitchen. According to the police here is the way the conversation went:
Police: Why do you gentlemen have a safe?
Perps: We found it in an alley and thought we would bring it home.
Police then opened the safe. It was empty.
Some International News…
Adultery is fine in Japan (despite laws against it), if it is done with a “business purpose”, or so ruled the Tokyo District Court. Specifically this ruling dealt with a night club lady who used repeated sexual acts to butter up good customers. The businessman’s wife promptly found out that her husband’s bread had been “buttered up” for seven years. She had no idea how good a customer he was.
The Indian Journal of Dermatology announced in April that it was withdrawing a recent scientific paper written by a dentist. The paper was entitled, “Development of a Guideline to Approach Plagiarism in Indian Scenarios.” The paper was pulled because major parts of it had been plagiarized.
A good friend of mine is an accomplished industrial psychologist – highly degreed and published many times over. He and I have laughed often and much about things that would cause the exact, same response in a fourteen year-old boy. He wisely says, “Males never socially mature much over the age of fourteen, we just learn how to manage it.” With that said, here are some news items my inner fourteen year-old finds giggle-worthy.
Richard Langtry became a little over-enthusiastic during a day of team building and decided to give his employee, Michael Peacock, a friendly male-bonding tug. A subsequent lawsuit alleges, “Langtry then grabbed Peacock’s left testicle, squeezed it hard, and pulled it down as if to rip it from his groin.” Peacock is now one dangly short, and is suing everyone even remotely associated with this day of emasculating team building.
Artist Mark Sturkenboom has come up with a remarkable new remembrance device for one’s dear departed, if the departed is a male. Sturkenboom wants to put the “boom, boom” in remembering so he has devised a dildo that holds 21 grams of cremated ashes. To cover its most practical use, it comes accessorized by a necklace and a music player (I find that amazing in and of itself). “After passing,” Sturkenboom explained, “the missing of intimacy” is “one aspect of the pain and grief.” This remembrance can be purchased even if your husband wasn’t named Dick.
The English Plymouth Herald reports that the Tavistock Town Council hastily changed the wording in March of its help-wanted ad seeking a general maintenance person. In local jargon, a general maintenance person is known as a “hand”, thus, it was not wise for Tavistock to continue to advertise an offer of a “general hand job.”
A Brazilian student-athlete enrolled at Medicine Hat (Alberta) College and promptly announced he would play the next basketball season under his real Brazilian-German name. His given name is Guilherme Carbagiale Fuck (which he insists is pronounced foo-kay and means “fox” in German). It is unclear whether or not his excellent ball handling will come to be known euphemistically as “Fucking”.
Have a great weekend. Take the conversation in any direction you might like to explore.
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