The Widdershins

The Dating Game: A Play in One Icky Act

Posted on: June 1, 2015

[THE SCENE: The set of “The Dating Game,” of course! Or is it? As the host paces around the stage, barking orders and repeatedly puffing powder on his liver-spotted face, you realize that this is not your parents’ show. First of all, the tall, overbearing emcee is clearly Fox News’ own BILL O’REILLY. Second, the contestants seated in the chairs behind the wall are…well, not the most attractive bunch you’ve ever seen. One, RICK SANTORUM, wears a sweater vest and a sheepish expression; another, CHRIS CHRISTIE, bears a striking resemblance to an angry water buffalo; and the third, JEB BUSH, looks like a mixture between a used-car salesman and a chimpanzee. Finally, there is a fourth chair, which is mysteriously empty.]

O’REILLY [sotto voce to an eager blonde female assistant] Just remember to bring the loofah, huh, Sheila? [The assistant nods worshipfully and exits, stage left.]

O’REILLY [out loud, to contestants] Hey, guys, hope you’re ready to give it your all tonight! This little lady we’ve got on the show is very, very picky, and the hottest thing you’ve seen in a loooooong time. So remember, when the lights come up, put on those smiles and think ROMANCE!

SANTORUM [raising his hand tentatively]: Uh, Bill?

O’REILLY [whirling on SANTORUM]: For the last time, Rick, you are NOT cheating on your wife by being here. Now for Gawd’s sake, man up and let’s try to win this thing.

[BUSH and CHRISTIE snigger.]

SANTORUM: [mumbling] Took the Lord’s name in vain again. One day, Bill, you’ll be struck down!

CHRISTIE: Ha! This is going to be the easiest win ever! Sanctimonious moron. And look at JEB, he’s not even paying attention. Heh!

[BUSH twirls in his seat, staring at the ceiling.]

CHRISTIE [gesturing to the empty chair]: Hey, uh, what’s with the vacancy?

RONALD REAGAN’S VOICE: Hey, who you calling vacant!

ALL CONTESTANTS: What was that!

O’REILLY [smiling]: Yes, boys, you heard that right – it’s the ghost of Ronald Reagan! I told you to bring your A Game. He is going to be tough to beat!

ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: Bill, it’s time.

O’REILLY [striding to the center of the stage]: I’m ready!

[The lights come up. There is no actual crowd; canned applause is piped in at appropriate intervals.]

O’REILLY: Welcome, America, to a very special version of “The Dating Game!” I’m your host, BILL O’REILLY. Let’s meet tonight’s contestants!

[The spotlight moves to SANTORUM.]

SANTORUM: Hi, America. I’m Bachelor Number One, Rick Santorum! I enjoy obsessing about homosexuality, advocating for policies that were last popular in the Dark Ages, and going to the Creationist Museum to ride dinosaurs!

O’REILLY: Thanks, Rick! Next, let’s go to Chris Christie.

CHRISTIE: Hey, America, how you doin’? I’m Bachelor Number Two, CHRIS CHRISTIE, the governor of the great state of New Jersey. I enjoy yelling at people who disagree with me, misusing Hurricane Sandy Relief Funds, and blocking my constituents’ access to the George Washington Bridge!

O’REILLY: I hope you like pina coladas too! And what about you, sir?

BUSH [who has mercifully stopped twirling]: Hi, America, I’m Bachelor Number Three, Jeb Bush. I’m the ex-governor of Florida, and the brother of our wonderful 43rd President, George W. Bush! I like money, lots and lots of money, and I’ve got plenty to show off! All my political positions are, well, for sale, so as long as you’ve got the dough, I won’t say no!

O’REILLY: I love a guy who puts it all out there! And finally, our most prestigious guest!

RONALD REAGAN’S VOICE: Heh-heh, Bill, there you go again! I’m Bachelor Number Four, Ronald Reagan. I’m sure you all know who I am by now. Sure, I officially moved on to that Great Cineplex in the Sky a while back, but since none of you can ever forget what an incredible President I was, I’m not really dead!

[Wild fake applause.]

O’REILLY: What a fantastic group of guys. Gals of America, how could you resist?! Well, you all know how this works. The men stay behind the wall, while the lucky little lady comes out and is introduced to the audience. So, without further ado, let me introduce tonight’s guest: The Republican Voter!

[The Republican Voter enters, smiling and waving, to more fake applause and festive music. She is about 45, well-maintained, with a mane of blond hair, glossy pink lipstick and a perfect French manicure. Her clothes are designer casual.]

REPUBLICAN VOTER [brightly]: Hey, Bill. I’m so looking forward to meeting tonight’s contestants! I can’t wait to make my choice for November 2016.

O’REILLY: That’s just terrific, RVee! Whoops, I forgot to ask: Can I call you RVee?

REPUBLICAN VOTER: I’d be honored, Bill! An RV is such an American form of transportation, and I sure do love America!

O’REILLY: We know you do! Let’s get started. What is your first question?

RVEE: Okay! Um, this question is for Bachelor Number Two: Given the recent riots in Baltimore, how many guns should we buy to protect ourselves from angry welfare recipients?

CHRISTIE: Ummm, what?

RVEE [miffed]: I’m sorry, do you actually want me to repeat that question?

CHRISTIE [knowing he’s not impressing her]: Oh! No, no, of course not. I completely get you, RVEE, and I hear where you’re coming from. But sometimes, don’t you feel like there are too many guns in our communities?

RVEE [eyes rolling]:  Oh right, as though I’m going to let some government official take MY gun away! Bachelor Number Four, how about you? Same question.

REAGAN’S GHOST: RVEE, I believe every American should have the right to defend himself, or herself, as the case may be.

RVEE [nodding and smiling]: That’s right! I like that. Hmmm, okay. Bachelor Number One, how badly do you think homosexuality is ruining the American family?

SANTORUM [excitedly]: Oh my gosh, RVEE, it is the worst threat to the American family since welfare! As you know, having children through technology is a sin against the Lord’s teachings. Sex should be between a man and a woman, and hopefully both partners will have one foot on the floor! Amen.

RVEE [enthusiastically]: A-MEN! All right, let’s give Bachelor Number Three a chance. Your question is: if you were President, how many times would you have nuked ISIS by now?

BUSH [confusedly]: ISIS? I used to love that show. You know, “Oh, Mighty Isis!” and then she would turn into a goddess? Man, what ever happened to that actress. What was her name again? Anywho, doesn’t matter. I guess if you want me to nuke her, RVEE, I’m down – and I’ll do it as many times as you want me to! I’m all about YOU, baby.

[O’REILLY slaps his forehead in disgust.]

RVEE [appalled]: My Gawd, Bill, who is that moron? How did HE make it on the show?

O’REILLY [grimly]: Between you and me, RVEE, I think nepotism might have had something to do with it. Let’s move on –

SANTORUM [interrupting]: Hey, RVEE, I’m sure you didn’t MEAN to use the Lord’s name in vain, but can we keep it clean from now on? This is a family values show.

RVEE [insulted]: I can’t believe he would tell ME to keep it clean! Who does he think he is?! Well! That leaves out Number One, Number Two and Number Three. So far the only one I like is Number Four! But let’s just make sure he’s really The One. Number Four, final question: What would you do if you were my date for November 2016 through 2024?

REAGAN’S GHOST: Well, RVEE, I’ll tell you. It would be morning in America. People would be optimistic about the future again, instead of hearing all that doom and gloom those tree-huggers all talk about. You would be able to trust your government again, knowing that your President is a white, Christian male who loves America as much as you do!

RVEE [dreamy-eyed]: Wow! THANK you, Bachelor Number Four. You really understand me!

REAGAN’S GHOST: I always did! My speechwriters surely knew how to make you love me.

RVEE [confused]: Wait a minute – you’ve already been my date?

REAGAN’S GHOST: Of course! I’m surprised you don’t remember. I was with you from 1980 – 1988!

RVEE [aghast]: BILL – you put Reagan’s ghost on this show with me? [wailing] He’s the only one I like – and he’s DEAD! [begins sobbing uncontrollably]

O’REILLY [throwing his mike on the ground]: Cut! CUT I SAID!

[The spotlight turns off; regular lights come up.]

O’REILLY: All you jerks GET OUT! Especially you, Ronnie! What an idiot I was to let you play.

REAGAN’S GHOST: Heh-heh. Just goes to show, facts are stupid things! Goodbyyyyyyyyeeeee….

[All the bachelors sheepishly walk offstage.]

O’REILLY [walking over to RVEE, stroking her arm consolingly]: Now honey, I know you’re upset. I don’t blame you! We really didn’t give you such a good choice this time. I promise we’ve got lots of other great bachelors to look at, and there’s plenty of time to make a selection before November rolls around.

[RVEE calms down and hooks her arm in his.]

RVEE: You’re right, Bill. I mean, there are like 20 more bachelors out there! I’m sure I can find one of them who can compete with REAGAN’S GHOST!

O’REILLY: I’m sure we can! After all, it’s not like you’re going to vote for Hillary Clinton!

[They both laugh and begin to walk offstage.]

RVEE: Oh Bill – I forgot! Let me get my purse.

[RVEE goes to the seat where she had been sitting, and she picks up the purse left behind it. She turns back towards O’REILLY, and as she does, we see there is a “Hillary 2016” button attached to the strap. RVEE turns back and faces us, then gives us a wink.]

[LIGHTS OUT.]

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27 Responses to "The Dating Game: A Play in One Icky Act"

Brava!!! You were on fiyah with this one! 🙂

This is hilarious and spot on, MB. I love it.

Lindsey Graham was feeling a little light in the loafers prior to this game and had to have a lie down on the fainting couch backstage. Y’all know he does suffer something awful from the vapors! Bless his heart.

Thanks guys! Hee, can you imagine Lindsey on this show? 🙂 Some of these Republican ladies doth protest too much.

@3: Oh I do declare, how will poor Lindseh evah be able to lead those fine, young, muscular, hot, sweaty, men into battle as CiC? Oh that’s right, he’ll be cheering from the Oval Office.

Yay, madamab! I’ve been waiting for this and it was definitely worth the wait!

@5: Those uniforms are SO dreamy…

Thanks GAGal! It’s been germinating for a few weeks, and was finally ready to bloom on Sunday. 😊

MB, loved it! Hilarious! Are you going to keep it going? There are so many repubs in the ring now, I can’t even remember them all. It feels like every famous repub is running for prez. I think one of the networks that’s hosting a debate said they will only invite the 10 who have the highest poll ratings.

annie@9: Yep, Fox said if you weren’t polling at least 10% then no debate for you. That’s gonna piss off a bunch of them and I bet they change that.

I’ll tell a real Dating Game story. When I was really little, my older sis’ had a friend in high school (they were 15) who had an older sister who was going on the Dating Game. Anyway, these goofy girls figured out a strategy to help her choose the “cutest” guy. A bunch of her friends went to sit in the studio audience. If bachelor #1 was the cutest, then one friend would stand up and walk out, if #2 was, then two girls would get up and so on if they thought #3 was cutest. Anyway, they did it and the girl went on the date with the cutest (!?!?) guy, but they didn’t last very long as a couple.

Thanks Fredster, I couldn’t remember which one. How do these guys expect there to be debates with that many candidates and not have their party look completely ridiculous?

I mean, it would be funny for us to watch, but they will look ridiculous.

annie@13: Maddow suggested they could do heats between the candidates, candidates 1-10 one debate and 11-whatever another. Hahahahaaaa!

@14, LOL! That would be great!

@annie: I’d say mix ’em up. Put one or two with a 10% in with a couple of the 1% (like lil booby jindal) and see how desperate the 1% candidates get. 😆

Knocked it outta the park one more time, MB. You haven’t lost a thing a thing since 2008.

Thanks Annie and PDXPat! 🙂

Not sure if I will keep it going. I left the door open in case the muse strikes again. 🙂

@18, chat, thanks for the link. Love that “maybe” we were not skeptical enough. Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe – just maybe – they weren’t skeptical at all?

Oh yeah there’s a maybe there.

Sadly, I bet that is the most.culpability anyone in the mainstream media.will.admit.

MB@23: True dat.

@23 and 24: And it was admitted only on his way out the door, almost as a “by the way……..”

Lincoln Chaffee now running as a Dem for President.

So is anyone going to watch the buggers uh Duggars on Fox tonight?

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