Happy First 2015 Weekend…
Posted January 2, 2015on:
Good afternoon Widdershins. I hope this weekend finds you recovered from your New Year’s Eve festivities, rested from the exhausting Anderson Cooper/Kathy Griffin hootenanny some inexplicably find entertaining, and filled with cabbage and black-eyed peas for renewed health and prosperity in this new year.
Here are a few tidbits of weird news courtesy of the good folks who collect such stories for your weekend enjoyment.
Finger Lickin’ Finery
In that you didn’t know about this before Christmas, I know you’ll be kicking yourself for those hard-to-buy-for loved ones who have everything. Meg C Jewelry Gallery of Lexington, Kentucky, introduced a limited line of Kentucky-centric gold-plated necklaces and earrings for the holiday season. What makes these adornments special you ask? Each bobble dangles with not just sparkly metallic substances, but each semi-precious piece dangles with genuine Kentucky Fried Chicken bones. (By the way, I don’t know how you could get any more “semi-precious”.)
It seems the spirit of the Colonel moved Meg (maybe the “C” stands for Colonel) to imbue her jewelry with picked clean KFC wings that were washed, dried, sealed in varnish and conductive paint, copper-electroformed, and then electroplated with 14k gold.
This finger lickin’ finery isn’t inexpensive (the word “cheap” is a qualitative word and the bones utilized here were predestined to be second-hand repurposed, or third-hand if you count the chicken). Small-bone necklaces go for $130 while more formal after 6:00 large-bone necklaces go for $160. Earrings, expunged of their secret herbs and spices, fetch $200 a pair.
According to Meg C, this poultry frippery can accessorize anything from jeans to a lady’s best little black dress. When you care enough to wear the best, buy your jewelry by the bucket. No word yet about how these baubles affect family pets.
More Fashion News
2015 is showing promise — never did you think old Prolix, as a public service, would be bringing you fashion news, but here is some more. Pamela Paquin is a self-described “ethical fur designer”. Good so far.
You see, Ms. Paquin repurposes roadkill — a scavenger courtier as it were. She debuted the first of her anticipated line of road kill furs recently — raccoon neck muffs. “I can literally take two raccoons and put them butt to butt so they clasp neck to neck,” she said. Ms. Paquin didn’t elaborate on contingencies if the last thing through the poor raccoon’s mind was its butt in the unfortunate accident releasing it from the mortal coil and directly to her Singer sewing machine.
Again, these creations aren’t inexpensive. The neck muffs sell for around $1,000, but raccoons yield “luscious fur,” Ms. Paquin said. Raccoons aren’t her asphalt “pelt” of choice though. That honorific is withheld for otter.
As astute Widdershin readers are always ahead of the thought curve, I know you are thinking, “How does Ms. Paquin acquire her inventory?” Ms. Paquin, a Massachusetts lady, leaves her card with various New England road crews — (Hi, my name is Pamela. Will you call me when you have roadkill? If nothing else, this is certainly an original icebreaker at road maintenance cocktail parties when the orange cone chitchat has run its course).
As is the case in so many businesses these days, it is a question of “branding”. Pamela does business under the name Petite Mort” (“little death” in French, but it is my guess the raccoons and other creatures would consider “grande” a more appropriate descriptor). Ms. Paquin, without the aid of a publicist to tell her when to shut up, added, “Petite Mort also euphemistically engenders women’s post-orgasmic sensations.” Who knew?
From the Police Blotter
Tuscon, Arizona — Jose Manuel Marino-Najera filed a lawsuit in December against the U.S. Border Patrol because a K-9 dog had bitten his arm repeatedly during an arrest. It seems Senor Marino-Najera had been napping under a tree near the Mexican border. His lawsuit failed to make mention that he was napping on a bundle of only 49 pounds of marijuana.
Port St. Lucie, Florida — It seems the police in Port St. Lucie don’t appreciate the spiritual effects of meth. A Mr. Keith Berfield, 56 years young, was arrested while in the throes of a spiritual experience courtesy of meth. Mr. Berfield happened to be nude at the time except for a metal ring around his testicles while he was extolling “spiritual things” in the sky.
Waterbury, Connecticut — A lady caught her neighbor having sex with her pit bull. When the police arrived the unnamed man explained, “ISIS sent me” and as further explanation, again without the aid of a publicist, said that the romantic rendezvous between him and the pit bull was destiny since, “This is our day.” There’s a Taylor Swift song in there someplace.
Rockville, Connecticut — John Biehn, 39, was in court and truly is an over-achiever. He was in court on December 15th on an old DUI charge. He was released on bail, but managed to get arrested (and released on bail) three more times in two towns over the following 11 — eleven — hours, twice for DUI and once for shoplifting. Early birds, like early drunks, get the worm, but in Mr. Biehn’s case, it seems the worm was prepackaged and unfortunately surrounded by tequila.
Pomfret, Vermont — Not to be outclassed in the DUI department, a Mr. Dwayne Fenlason, 48, drove his pickup truck into a ditch for which he was awarded a DUI citation. Subsequently, Mr. Fenlason drove an SUV to the scene to retrieve his truck for which he earned a second DUI. Tenacious “D” then drove an all-terrain vehicle to the scene, wait for it, and he earned himself a perfect trifecta DUI charge. Nobody likes a quitter.
A few weeks ago I reported on Indonesia’s “Sex Mountain” where religious ritual provided that having sex with a parade of strangers provided prosperity. As an update, the governor of Central Java banned the practice because of the “shame” it brings to the island. It seems the shame is centered around the prostitutes who now flood the area in their ministry of horizontal prosperity promoting. The Jakarta Post doubted the ban would be respected by would-be “prosperity pilgrims”. Rest assured, I will bring you more updates as the events on Sex Mountain may warrant.
Again, happy new year friends and feel free to take this conversation in any direction you may desire.
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