The Widdershins

Weekend Update…

Posted on: December 6, 2014

A holly, jolly Widdershin weekend to you. Even though there are only fourteen shopping days left until Christmas, there is no shortage of weird news. Enjoy your weekend.

It’s Official: Texas Admits to Having Less than Half Its Brains

The case of the University of Texas at Austin’s missing brains has apparently been solved. Prior to Wednesday, as is often the case in Texas, there was much confusion over Texas’ brains.

It seems that most of the 100 brains, preserved in formaldehyde jars, had disappeared from the basement of the Animal Brain in a JarResources Center. Parsing blame, never in short supply in Texas, was quick and sure. There were many theories. Personally, it wouldn’t surprise me if Louie Gohmert, with his own eyes, had seen cantaloupe-calved Hispanics heading south with burros heavily laden with formaldehyde sloshing brain jars.

But it seems a good part of Texas’ brain stash had been disposed of by the university’s environmental health and safety officials in 2002. It appears Texas gets around to checking the whereabouts of their brains about every dozen years whether they miss them or not. The twelve-year brain checking schedule is much more frequent and ambitious than that of the Texas hazardous materials inspectors who dutifully check on warehouses of highly explosive anhydrous ammonia once every never. According to Governor-elect Greg Abbott, “Members of the public only have to go out and drive around and you’ll know where the stuff is.”

The University of Texas statement said the health and safety officials were thought to have disposed of 40 to 60 jars, some of which contained multiple human brains (in technical jargon, those jars were known as “braindominiums”.)

A Mr. Hannaford, a typically skeptical Texan, was leery of the university’s conclusion that most of the 100 brains had been disposed of. “I don’t buy it,” he said. “These jars were designed to hold one brain, and I find it hard to believe that if 40 jars were disposed of, that accounted for all 100 of the brains.” Obviously Mr. Hannaford teaches advanced mathematics at the University of Texas.

In a similar case last year in Indianapolis, David Charles, 21, was charged with stealing 60 human brains from the Indiana Medical History Museum. The police were tipped off by Brian Kubasco of San Diego, who had bought six of the brains on eBay for $600, and immediately suspected they were stolen. It wasn’t determined why Mr. Kubasco opted for just six brains instead of the baker’s dozen deal often offered by eBay. In any event, 2013 was a good vintage year for Hoosier brains.

And just in case if you are wondering, eBay policy prohibits the sale of human remains, with the exception of hair and skulls, as well as skeletons sold for medical use. A reminder, there are just 14 shopping days left until Christmas.

If the Hulk and Catwoman Had a Love Kitten

Bright green stray cat on streets of Varna, Bulgaria - 04 Dec 2014This feline is green.

The color of a bean.

It is Bulgarian seen.

Never is it mean.

It appears this cat is the animal world’s version of a “bottle job”. The cat has taken to sleeping in a mound of crystallized green pigment. There is no word on whether there is any relation to the Grinch. It is thought when the cat gets closer to its ninth life, it will go blond.

It’ll Break Your Back Mountain

There’s a holy “Sex Mountain” on the Indonesian island of Java. Among other things, its function is to make Muslims feel prosperous and optimistic. This is accomplished by having intercourse with strangers. This particular sect of Muslims are not ones to let grass grow under their feet since they got this party started in the 16th century.

It seems the otherwise devout pilgrims pray, bathe, and pair off with other worshippers. They repeat the ritual seven Sex Mountaintimes over 35 days. The 1500s seems to be the earliest recording of the ubiquitous wash, rinse, repeat shampoo directions.

An Australian reporter actually journeyed to Mount Kemukus (edification translation — he did not travel to mount a stranger named Kemukus, he traveled to a mountain named Kemukus). This is the site where the mass adultery takes place. It is near the heavily populated Surakarta.

The ritual is supposed to bring the “good life”. The only condition is that the sex must be with people other than spouses. This caveat is somewhat confusing in that many believe this requirement is, by its very definition, the good life.

Muslim clerics generally denounce the Kemukus experience. This is especially true since prostitutes have recently heighten their ministerial skills and taken to assisting in this religious experience. The prostitutes collect their “offerings” up front before being moved by the religiosity.

Leave the Trees Alone

London’s Daily Telegraph reports in November that a gardener hired by the House of Commons had spent a full day Westminster Palace Gardenpulling color-changing leaves from trees on the Westminster Palace grounds. The gardener reckoned it would be more cost-effective pulling them off one-by-one than raking them up after they fell.

Quite remarkably, the gardener’s name is “Annabel Honeybun” — really, her name is Annabel Honeybun. I included this story just because I love the name, Annabel Honeybun — the British always seem to have the best names. This fact was pointed out to me by an English lady named Miss Moneypenny.

I’ll Have the I-24

OmeletOn November 9th in Chattanooga, Tennessee, there was a three tractor-trailer crash. The pileup was one truck loaded with eggs, another truck loaded with cheese, and a final truck loaded with — wait for it — boxes of meat.

While I imagine the Denny’s menu writers sprang into action, here are a couple of my suggestions for appropriate omelet monikers: Given that Tennessee is the Volunteer state — the “Volunteer Vehicular” or if some of the boxes contained jerky — the “Chattanooga Chew Chew“.

Have a great weekend and take the conversation in any direction you might like.

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14 Responses to "Weekend Update…"

Great selection of fun stories Prolix…I love the ones about Texas and the green cat!

Great stories. After reading the Texas brain mystery, I thought, “and everyone makes fun of California.” Love your title for the green kitty bit. As far as Annabel Honeybun, she must have her bun pulled too tight. Who would pull off beautiful changing leaves? Ah well, good to know we’re not the only country that is chock full of morons.

Just checking in. I’ll be back later. Too much football for now. 😉

Prolix check ur email when you have a chance.

Oh how Molly would have had lots to say about the Texas Brains story. LOL!

@5 – LOL! She said what most people feel about him.

Bush is on a book tour now. He wrote a book about his daddy and how much he loves him. According to a woman I met on a plane coming back from Texas, Dubya is quite charming in person, which was what I always heard about him. Too bad he’s still a war criminal, torturer and mass murderer.

I would hazard a guess that Dubya would be a blast at a bbq.

@7 – Only until he starts drankin’. He seems like a mean drunk to me.

To me, Bush seemed like a spoiled party boy, who could turn on the fake down-home type charm when he wanted, but is basically an unintelligent and self-absorbed human being. When he was running against Gore, wasn’t that when the whole “who would you rather have a beer with” thing started? And everyone said bush, cuz Gore is uptight and dorky? I wouldn’t be surprised if that helped him win, that and the whole “hockey mom concerned about security” issue. And the vote rigging and the 5 horsemen of the apocalcourt, of course.

Hope you’re all having a nice weekend. We went to see Robert Cray last night.

@6: I’m sure Dubya is a hoot, but not so much as Prez. Mary wanted to punch him in the aftermath of Katrina with Bush badmouthing local and state efforts.

http://crooksandliars.com/2005/09/04/4580

It will be interesting to see how “Frankenberry” Cassidy (or Double Bill) does as a Senator. Or maybe it’s Beavis:

Beavis

or maybe the Chicken Lady

chicken bill

It’s knowing the little things in life that are important.

LOL!

@annie: I couldn’t help those last two. There was a good pic of Cassidy as “Frankenberry” somewhere but I can’t find it.

In regards to 12, it’s good to know that Cassidy is a “livah doctah” and will be able to help me for free when he does away with Obamacare and I end up drinking too much bum wine.

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