Remain Calm, Etc: Love, Republican Style
Posted April 17, 2014on:
Good Thursday, Widdershins.
I am finally feeling well enough to attempt a post, although I make no promises regarding either content or coherence. There’s still enough Flexeril on board to color my world in new and exciting ways on an ongoing basis, and this somewhat blunted state of consciousness has come in rather handy while I watched the cable news over the past week.
War on women? What war on women? Republicans love women, and they don’t mind saying so. They also don’t mind demonstrating their feelings in oh, so many ways, either. Honestly, I think that it has finally occured to someone down at the RNC that women have had it, but they are boxed in rather tightly at this stage of the game, so loud and plaintive protestation is probably their best bet. For example, women really have no need of equal pay. If we would only get married, there would be no such necessity. That the statistics that show more and more women becoming the primary wage earner is a non-starter – the Republican party loves us and wants us to know how much they care. Phyllis Schlafly emerged from mothballs to advise us that if women were to be equally compensated, they would never find a husband. Check this out from Huffington Post:
Another fact is the influence of hypergamy, which means that women typically choose a mate (husband or boyfriend) who earns more than she does. Men don’t have the same preference for a higher-earning mate.
While women prefer to HAVE a higher-earning partner, men generally prefer to BE the higher-earning partner in a relationship. This simple but profound difference between the sexes has powerful consequences for the so-called pay gap.
Suppose the pay gap between men and women were magically eliminated. If that happened, simple arithmetic suggests that half of women would be unable to find what they regard as a suitable mate.
See? A real woman like Phyllis knows how this works, and the Republicans love us and want us to be just as happy as Phyllis, so we need to brush up on our hypergamy skills and all will be well. If we end up outearning our spouse, well then it’s out own fault for practicing hypogamy.
The issue of “personhood” is rustling around a number of states. Georgia, North Carolina, Montana, Michigan, and Colorado have all toyed with the concept of bestowing full rights upon a zygote, which would end forever abortion, select birth control methods, and IVF. This concept is so extreme that it has failed on every ballot measure, including the state of Mississippi. Yet time and again, the concept bubbles up in state houses around the nation because Republicans love women. Without us there would be no little zygotes to manipulate, so then what? Republicans gave us their hearts, so now we owe them our zygotes.
Republicans are always being accused of loathing workers. This certainly is not true in the case of their staffers. We all know about Newt Gingrich, and he explained the whole Calista scenario by his love for his country, rather than his love of adultrous relationships. But hey – love is love, after all. Rep. Vance McAllister of Louisiana, who was backed by the Duck Dynasty folks, was caught on camera necking with a staffer in a burst of patriotic fervor. They are married, but unfortunately not to each other. Therefore, you would think that this rock-ribbed Republican, abstemious Baptist member of the House of Representatives would do the right thing and resign, or even end up being pushed out of office Weiner-style. You would be dead wrong in both instances. McAllister vows to stay in office, although the staffer is gone – likely because he cares too much for her to see her embarrassed. My only hope is that this episode will jog the memories of the Pelican state residents, as David Vitter is now running for Governor – and we know that he loves women, too.
Michael Hayden must love Dianne Feinstein very much. He is über concerned about her current state of mind with regard to the latest report generated by the Senate Intelligence Committee regatding Hayden’s CIA methods of – er, information gathering He shared with Fox News his assessment that she is just too emotional to properly process the stated facts, and I must assume that he cares too much to see her so embarrassed, much like Rep. McAllister and his
squeeze staffer. What a guy! Fortunately for Feinstein, the CIA will review all of these materials thoroughly prior to declassifying them as per the decision of the SIC, which will likely save her from further humiliation.
In a much more platonic sense, former Governor Jeb Bush would like for everyone to stop ranting about illegal immigration, and see it for what it is – an act of pure love. As a Florida resident, I am fully aware that our local business purely love illegal immigrants. They work for a pittance and never complain. I strongly suspect that should these unfortunate migrants attain citizenship they will promptly be replaced by a fresh crop of folks who think that $5 per hour is a fortune. Should Jeb decide to run in 2016, it should be absolutely fascinating to watch him, fluent in Spanish, attempt to sell this concept to the right-wingers that flock to the polls by the busload to vote in the primaries. The very same folks that Karl Rove convinced to turn out in droves may be the very ones that put a wrench into things for Jeb, as they are firmly convinced that anyone with a slightly darker complexion is likely Al Queda and has come here to kill us and take our food stamps. I will enjoy watching that ever so much. I have suffered through eight years of him as a Governor, and eight years of his brother as a President, plus twelve years of their father as VP and President. Added together, that comes out to spending nearly three decades in the Bushes, and that’s a long time to be surrounded by so much love.
And so, Widdershins, we are awash in Republican love. Keep your life vests on and your heads up while we wait for the next tsunami of tenderness – it’s probably not that far off shore and it’s heading our way.
This is an open thread.
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