The Widdershins

Cousin Prolix Dun Writ’ a Letter…

Posted on: June 21, 2013

Dear Widdershinners,

Been a busy week. Have had family in visitin’. They is from Texas. Bein’ all environmental, they drove their hybridHillbilly letter... Humvee. They drove the one with the bumper sticker what said, “My other vehicle is a M1 Tank.”

Fed them plenty — fixed a turducken, well without the turkey and duck since they ain’t in season. Ran short of tin foil so I had to raid the satellite dish for extra foil so I ain’t spent a whole lot of time surfin’ the intertubz on the googlin’ machine either, but still wanted to catch you up on the news. Here’s what I got off the teevee.

Those Lipton lovin’ Tea Drinkers who are always wantin’ to party had a big howdy-doo up to Worrshington, D.C. I love the way they dress — just like everyday is Halloween back durin’ the Revolution agin King Georgie.

Anywho, I didn’t know they had a clown college in Worrshington. Evidently, it is a big’un too! They had pert’near the whole clown faculty a’talkin’ to those Lipton lovers. Seems as though those Lipton lovers are all upset about the high prices at Wal-Mart and Costco cuz they was a’carryin’ yeller flags sayin’ “Live Free or Die!” Seems like this particular day they were a’havin’ a migraine headache about ‘migration. Don’t know why cause they all seem pretty much convinced we are all headin’ in the same direction — to hell in a handbasket.

I was a’worried that those poor Lipton lovers would get hungry after all that speechifin’ by the head clowners, but that nice Bachmann lady from Minniesoota fed them a big old word salad. They ate it up. Seems as though she was upset about more people gettin’ AMEX green cards. Be careful about starin’ too long at those Bachmann crazy eyes cuz they give me the swimmey head.

Before the clown car broke down...

Before the clown car broke down…

Then that man from Texas, Louie Gohmert, I don’t know why they just don’t call him Gomer and go on about their business, but he was still upset about “someone ‘accastin’ asparagus about him.” Seems like someone from the FBI had cast doubts about his asparagus and he was there to let them know his asparagus was just fine — thank you very much. Gomer didn’t allow as how his asparagus would get picked without the migraine workers, but he seems not to worry about little things like 11 million people.

Then they let that dry alcoholic drug addict talk — I think his name is Glenn Beck. Boy howdy, he picked a bad day to go dry. For my two cents, he came off the sauce a little too soon. Somebody needs to get him back on the right kind of pills!  Up here in the hills we have all kinds of clinics where you don’t even have to trouble yourself with doctors, they have pads and pads of prescriptions all signed up and ready to go at the drivethru. All I can say is that if Charlie Sheen takes another world tour inspectin’ meth labs and stripper poles, that Beck boy can take his place on “Anger Management.”

Seems like the Lipton lovers were mad at that nice Rubio feller from Florida. I thought they liked him. The teevee people said they were booin’ every time his name was mentioned, but what I seen was different. Seems like every time they said, “Marco,” the Lipton lovers were a’screamin’ back, “Polo,” but what do I know?

Before the clown jamboree last week, some nice men on the Judiciary Committee passed a bill. I know they were nice men cuz they were all concerned about the wimmenz folk even though they weren’t any wimmenzes there at the meetin‘. They passed some bill about a waitin’ period before you could go wadin’ for fish roe,” or “Roe Wadin” as they called it. Seems like they knew what they were doin’ was all wrong since Diana Ross and her backup singers, the Supremes, had sung some song about it, but that didn’t stop them cuz they were only a’thinkin’ about the wimmenz folk.

Me and my brother, Prolix III, he's the one with the big ears...

Me and my brother, Prolix III, he’s the one with the big ears…

One man said something’ about how sad it was that “rape doesn’t end in more children bein‘ born,” or something’ like that and they changed the subject pretty quick. Since he was the guy who had thunk up the idea about goin’ against Roe Wadin’ in the first place, they had to get someone else to talk up the bill durin’ the big Clown College meetin’.

Well, that nice lady from the Volunteer State up and volunteered to talk nice about the bill. It was really good of her since she hasn’t always been someone to be partial to her own kind — wimmenz that is. Seems like she voted against a thing called the “Violence Against Wimmenz Act” — I guess she figured wimmenz could take care of themselves. She also voted against a bill called, “Equal Pay Act,” but I can see why since she’s from the Volunteer State and all. Anywho, I’m sure all the good wimmenz from Tennessee will want to make sure and thank that Marsha Blackburn lady — she sure does know what’s important to Tennessee wimmenz.

Oh, my — I’ve just carried on something awful here and run on way too long.

Hope your week has been a good one and your weekend is an even better one.

Your cousin,



13 Responses to "Cousin Prolix Dun Writ’ a Letter…"

For those who might have missed the Louie Gohmert “casting aspersions on my asparagus” video, here it is:

Grilled, peppered asparagus? Yummy!

HA!!!! This is hilarious! I was literally laughing out loud while reading this. Great usage of the local vernacular there too, cuz. Loved the use of “pert’near”…you don’t hear that one much anymore. This was great. Too funny, and too true. 🙂

you done good–ceptin with ‘judishary’.

Bless their hearts, the Lipton lovers! (Are we sure Lipton isn’t made in Mexico?)

@5 — looks like Lipton is manufactured in Suffolk, VA — that’s why they are Lipton Lovers and not “Virginia lovers.” “Virginia,” once upon a time, “was for lovers,” but when the transvaginal fan club figured out that “Virginia loving” might include something resembling horizontal dancing, they changed the slogan.

I love what Carville had to say on Louis Gohmert on morning schmoe. Naturally it’s an MSNBC vid so I can’t embed it. 👿

Sad day,” Carville quipped on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” when host Joe Scarborough mentioned Bachmann’s retirement. “It makes me so sad and you so happy, Joe,” Carville said later. “God closes one door for Michelle Bachmann and opens three to Louie Gohmert.

And I wanted to say cousin Prolix, that maybe with that company gone now, you can get you a cold glass of buttermilk and some cornbread, sit out on the porch and reeelax. 🙂

Friend Prolix, pull up a cheer ( as my Quaker great-grandmother used to say ) and set and visit a while. It’s pret near suppertime. You ken stay for that, too. We’re havin’ pork chops and baked apples.

@8, Might have to climb the mountain and visit the moonshine still.

@9, Beata, me does love a big lot of pork chops and baked apples, but of course they don’t carry near the shine as your company.

While we’re at it talking about sayings, one of the ones I remember so vividly as a child was when you were leaving someone’s home after a visit, invariably my Grandpa would say, “Come go with us.” I really loved that saying — I remember reading somewhere it was Scottish or Welsh and had been nestled in Appalachia since the 1700s.

Beata said: We’re havin’ pork chops and baked apples.

I’m there!

Prolix@9: Might have to climb the mountain and visit the moonshine still.

That works too!

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