Feminist Friday: Are You There, God? It’s Me, Uterus.
Posted June 3, 2011on:
Ahem. Yes, God, it’s me, Uterus. I might as well admit that I am only reaching out to you because I am in the final stages of desperation, hoping for a miracle from You. As the saying goes, there are no atheist uterii in red states! Heh-heh.
I have been doing everything I could to make my voice heard in the secular world, O Yahweh. Thinking, “Hey, if corporations are people, and fertilized eggs are people, then I must be a person too,” I even incorporated myself in order to, you know, double my personhood! But it was no use. No one seems to hear what I have to say….so you, o Great One, are the court of last resort. Brace yourself: I’ve got a lot of complaining – er, I mean, praying to do!
First, what is up with these idiots trying to prevent doctors from learning about how I work, and how to fix me when I’m broken? I’m the cradle of life, for Your sake…and if you let my host body fall into the hands of one of these know-nothings, she could die! Just listen to what happened to one pregnant woman who got stuck in that situation:
I was taking an afternoon nap when the hemorrhaging started while my toddler napped in his room when I woke up to find blood gushing upward from my body. Though I didn’t know it at the time, I was experiencing a placental abruption, a complication my doctor had told me was a possibility. My husband was at work, so I had to do my best to take care of me and my toddler on my own. I managed to get to the phone and make arrangements for both of my children before going to a Chicago hospital.
Everyone knew the pregnancy wasn’t viable, that it couldn’t be viable given the amount of blood I was losing, but it still took hours for anyone at the hospital to do anything. The doctor on call didn’t do abortions. At all. Ever. In fact, no one on call that night did. Meanwhile, an ignorant batch of medical students had gathered to study me — one actually showed me the ultrasound of our dying child while asking me if it was a planned pregnancy. Several wanted to examine me while I lay there bleeding and in pain. No one gave me anything for the pain or even respected my request to close the door even though I was on the labor and delivery floor listening to other women have healthy babies as the baby I had been trying to save died in my womb.
My two kids at home almost lost their mother because someone decided that my life was worth less than that of a fetus that was going to die anyway. My husband had told them exactly what my regular doctor said, and the ER doctor had already warned us what would have to happen. Yet none of this mattered when confronted by the idea that no one needs an abortion. You shouldn’t need to know the details of why a woman aborts to trust her to make the best decision for herself. I don’t regret my abortion, but I would also never use my situation to suggest that the only time another woman should have the procedure is when her life is at stake. After my family found out I’d had an abortion, I got a phone call from a cousin who felt the need to tell me I was wrong to have interfered with God’s plan. And in that moment I understood exactly what kind of people judge a woman’s reproductive choices.
How in the world could anyone be a doctor without knowing the basics about moi? Do these fools think if they close their eyes, I’ll just go away? What are they, children? If so, I sure hope you will spank them, Oh Vishnu, and send them to their rooms until they learn their lesson: Ignorance of the uterus is NO EXCUSE! And it is not acceptable for a doctor in 2011.
Speaking of ignorance, why do you put men in charge of me, oh Buddha? It’s not like they know what it’s like to have me inside them. Hey, I don’t mean to be a pain in the back, or the stomach, several days a month. I don’t mean to make you all bloated and uncomfortable and cranky and craving chocolate and salt. What’s a uterus to do? That’s the price you women pay for being the creators of life and stuff! But I have to say, Great Goddess, that I haven’t been impressed with the way you’ve been allowing these men to lord it over me. You put me inside women for a reason! You knew that men couldn’t be trusted with important decisions like when to have babies and when not to. Hell (I mean, heck! excuse me!), if they were in charge of reproduction, there would be an abortion clinic next to every Starbuck’s! Come to think of it…
I know what you’re thinking, Jesus. Less complaining, more praying! So here I go – I am asking you to do two things for me today:
#1 – Please turn the following individuals into women:
- Barack “Feeling Blue” Obama
- Mitch “No Abortions on Military Bases” McConnell
- Kansas Representative Pete “You Should Plan Ahead for Rape” DeGraaf
- New Jersey Representative Chris “HR 3” Smith
- Speaker John “I Cry Over Everything But Punishing Women” Boehner
- Senator Harry “I’m a Pro-Life Democrat” Reid
And make them poor, pregnant, and living in an abortion-free state while you’re at it, please? They can return to their privileged lives as “public servants” once they pass the ERA. Mwahahaha!
#2 – Can You please inform Michelle Bachmann that it was not You who told her to run for President? I don’t know about you, but I think it is terribly embarrassing for You to be given credit for the failure of her latest prescription.
That’s all I’ve got for you today, Dear FSM. I certainly hope my prayers will be answered by one of You, because frankly, I’m about out of options.
This is an open thread.
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