The Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity: A Play in One Entertaining Act
Posted on: November 28, 2012
- In: Class Warfare | Economy | Government | Morning Widdershins | Obama | Snark
- 37 Comments
(THE SCENE: The set of a game show. There’s a live audience in cushy seats, waiting for the show to start. A sign in lights above the stage reads: “The Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity!”, the name of the show in question. The setup is much like “Jeopardy,” with a podium for the host across the stage from three podiums for the contestants. There is someone at each podium, but we can’t see who they are because that part of the stage is in darkness. Tinny music starts as the host sweeps in to wild audience applause. It’s – PAUL KRUGMAN.)
KRUGMAN: Thank you, thank you very much! We’ve got a really great show for you today. Well, I know I say that every week, but this time it’s REALLY special. Let’s see who’s going to go over the Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity today! Will it be PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA?
(OBAMA is revealed as a spotlight comes up on Podium 1. )
OBAMA (smiling): I’m thrilled to be here, Paul.
KRUGMAN: Orrrrrrr….SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE JOHN BOEHNER?
(BOEHNER is revealed as a spotlight comes up on Podium 2. The Speaker’s lower lip trembles.)
BOEHNER: (surreptitiously dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief) I’m just sooooo happy to be here!
KRUGMAN: And finally, we present to you…KIM KARDASHIAN!
(KIM KARDASHIAN, in all her tightly-clad glory, is revealed as a spotlight comes up on Podium 3. BOEHNER and OBAMA look at each other and smirk.)
KK (smiling a dazzling smile): Hi, everyone! This is like sooooo coool! I hope I don’t go over the Cliffs!
(Canned laughter from the audience.)
KRUGRMAN: Well, KIM, someone has to….so let’s start the show!
(Underneath the lighted sign, a huge flat screen rises up.)
KRUGMAN: We all know how this works. We ask the contestants questions about the fiscal cliff, and whoever gives the most wrong answers has to go….
KRUGMAN, AUDIENCE AND CONTESTANTS (enthusiastically): OVER THE CLIFFS!
BOEHNER (to OBAMA, under cover of applause): This is gonna be a cakewalk. You’re toast, Mr. President.
OBAMA (to BOEHNER): Dream on, Orange Boy. This isn’t a debate – it’s a battle of wits. And from where I stand, two of my opponents are unarmed.
(A drum provides the obligatory “ba dump-bump.” KIM, oblivious, is texting on her smartphone.)
KRUGMAN (rubbing his hands): Oh ho ho – looks like our contestants are in a feisty mood today! Let’s look at the screen for our first question.
(The first question appears on the screen.)
KRUGMAN (portentously): What is the proven economic method for improving the economy during a depression? Is it A) Cut government spending to decrease deficits, B) Cut taxes to give people more spending money, or C) Increase government spending and create jobs? Contestants, please write your answers into your podiums. You have 10 seconds.
(A clock appears on the screen and begins the countdown. Instead of music, the roar of a waterfall is heard.)
KK (disbelievingly): Write? OMG, so old-school. Whatevs.
(Canned laughter from the audience; then a thud, as though a body has hit rock from a great height, signals the end of the countdown.)
KRUGMAN: Annnnnd, time is up! Mr. President, how’d we do?
OBAMA (proudly): I picked “B,” Paul. (The letter appears on his podium screen.)
(KK rolls her eyes. He’s obviously wrong.)
KRUGMAN: Ohhhh, sorry about that!
OBAMA (astonished): What?! (recovering his bravado) Please. What do you know? You’re just a newspaper columnist!
KRUGMAN: Uh, hello? Nobel Prize-Winning economist ring a bell, Mr. President?
OBAMA (contemptuously): Hmph. Even I’ve got one of those Nobel thingies. It’s no big deal.
BOEHNER (eagerly): Hey….do you guys think I could get one? Gold is my favorite color.
KRUGMAN, OBAMA AND KIM TOGETHER: Obviously.
(Canned laughter from the audience.)
KRUGMAN: All righty then. Mr. Boner – er, Bay-ner – what was your response?
BOEHNER (smugly): “A,” of course. (The letter appears on his podium screen.)
KRUGMAN: Of course! But that, too, is incorrect. Sooo sorry! We’re 0 for 2 now. Ms. Kardashian, what about you?
KK (looks up from her smartphone): Oh. Uh, “C.” Duh. (The letter appears on her podium screen.)
(OBAMA and BOEHNER look at each other, disgusted.)
KRUGMAN (shocked): That is, um….correct. The only method that has been proven to improve faltering economies is government spending and job creation. Do you mind my asking, how did you reach that conclusion?
KK: Oh, when George W. was President, he said that shopping was good for the economy. So I figured, if spending is good when I do it, it’s extra good when the government does it. Am I right, people? Woohoo! Yeah!
(Wild applause from the audience.)
KRUGMAN: Well-done, Ms. Kardashian!
KK (flirtatiously): Call me Kim, hot stuff.
KRUGMAN: Since you are currently in the lead, I’ll be happy to! Our score is now: Kim, 1: The President and Speaker Boehner, 0. Better step it up, boys, or you’re both going…(with audience) OVER THE CLIFFS! Now, on to our next question!
(The flat screen displays the next question.)
KRUGMAN: Cutting spending on programs like Medicaid and Medicare will have what effect on the deficit? Will it A) Increase the deficit; B) Decrease the deficit, or C) Peanut butter? You have ten seconds. (The countdown sounds begin.)
OBAMA: “Peanut butter?” What kind of idiot would pick that? (writes on his podium with a flourish and great confidence)
BOEHNER: This one is so easy, even that smiling big-eared bastard will get it right. Oh, who knows – maybe he’ll pick “Peanut Butter!” (writes on his podium, giving OBAMA the evil eye)
KK (looking up from her smartphone): Oh, this one is hard. Let me see, um…(writes in her podium quickly)
(The sound of the body hitting the rocks signals the end of the countdown.)
KRUGMAN: And…time IS UP! So, let’s start with our current leader, Ms. Kardashian – uh, Kim. What was your answer?
KK (confidently): Paul, I picked “C”, peanut butter.
(Canned laughter from the audience, guffaws from BOEHNER and OBAMA.)
KRUGMAN (gently): I’m sorry, Kim, that’s incorrect.
KK (crushed): Oh. The last answer was “C,” so I thought this one would be too. I’m so bummed – I’ve gotta tweet! (picks up her smartphone)
KRUGMAN: Tweet away! Well, on to Speaker BOEHNER. What response did you choose?
BOEHNER (smarmily): Well, clearly not “C”! (No one laughs.) Ahem. I chose “B,” Decrease the Deficit. (His response appears on his podium.)
KRUGMAN (cheerfully): Oooooooh, sorry, Mr. Speaker, but that is wrong again!
OBAMA (slams his hands on the podium): Dammit!
KRUGMAN: I deduce from your response, Mr. President, that you also chose “B”?
(OBAMA regards him in stony silence as the letter “B” appears on his podium.)
KK: Hah! Who’s the idiot now, boys? You know what you can kiss!
(She wiggles her famous butt at OBAMA AND BOEHNER. The audience hoots and hollers.)
KRUGMAN (gleefully): Well, I’m sorry to say that no one picked the correct answer, “A” – Increase the Deficit. You see, when you cut the budget for the social safety net, you decrease the spending power of those who depend on it for health care. Less spending means less income to the government, therefore increasing the deficit.
(The audience applauds politely.)
OBAMA (to BOEHNER): What a pompous ass. All I hear is “Blah blah blah, I’m not the President so I’m bitter.”
BOEHNER (pointing at KK): Speaking of asses…I’d like to take her up on that offer! Am I right, Barry baby? (The two high-five.)
KRUGMAN: Back to the game! The score remains: Kim 1, the President and the House Speaker 0. There’s only one question left before we know who goes…(with the audience) OVER THE CLIFFS! And that question is:
(The flat screen displays the next question.)
KRUGMAN: Is there a deficit crisis? Your choices are: A) Yes, the deficit is too big; B) Yes, the deficit is too small; C) No, the deficit is just right. You have…TEN SECONDS! Make this one count, everyone!
(All contestants furiously write on their podiums, even KK. The audience begins to count down when the clock reaches 5.)
AUDIENCE: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! OVER THE CLIFFS!
KRUGMAN: Yes, indeed! It’s anyone’s game at this point, so let’s see….(almost whispering a la Alex Trebek) The final results. (Drum roll and cymbal clash.) Mr. President. Your answer?
OBAMA: Uh, I picked, uh, “C,” the deficit is just right. (His podium displays the letter “C.”) We shouldn’t do anything too extreme in this difficult economy.
(The audience applauds half-heartedly as OBAMA beams.)
KK (rolling her eyes): Wrong again, you socialist.
BOEHNER (interrupting, at the end of his rope): Wait a minute! You came up with your own deficit reduction plan AND you created Bowles-Simpson! You damn hypocrite. (Turning to KRUGMAN) Obviously, the answer is “A”, The deficit is too big. Everyone knows that! (His eyes begin to water and he takes out his hanky to dab once again. His podium displays the letter “A.”)
KRUGMAN (shaking his head): You guys just don’t get it. You’ll never get it! I can’t believe this! (sighing) Well, Kim, which did you pick – A or C?
KK (pulling a pair of sexy horn-rimmed glasses out of her cleavage and putting them on): Well, Paul, I picked “B”, the deficit is too small. (Sure enough, her podium displays the letter “B.”)
KRUGMAN (with a giant smile): Kim, you have restored my faith in humanity! You are CORRECT!!
(The audience applauds wildly, hooting and hollering. KK takes a demure bow while OBAMA fumes, and BOEHNER begins to cry in earnest.)
KRUGMAN: But Kim, how did you know the right answer?
KK: Simple, Paul. I figured if we spend more, the deficit will increase. But George W. told us to spend more, so the increase must be good. We need more spending and bigger deficits! And besides, bigger is always better, if you know what I mean!
(The audience goes nuts.)
KRUGMAN: Kim, that is, um, somewhat right! (Looks at OBAMA and BOEHNER.) Well, Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, I’m sorry to say that you are the losers of “The Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity” today. And while the trumped up claims of free-market utopians aren’t real, the Cliffs are! Behold!
(A small waterslide, made to vaguely look like a cliff, descends from the ceiling. Steps go to the top of the slide; at the bottom is a large cushiony mattress.)
BOEHNER (moaning): Oh, man, don’t make me go on that thing! I just spray-tanned!
OBAMA (horrified): This is a five thousand dollar suit, Krugman!
KRUGMAN: My apologies, but maybe if you had a clue about real-world economics, you could have beaten Kim. (he starts giggling uncontrollably) I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Ahem. Over the cliffs you go!
(Disconsolately, the losers trudge to the waterslide and schlump down it, arguing about who’s going first all the way. They land in a tumble of arms and legs. OBAMA’s suit is ruined and dripping; BOEHNER’s orange face is now streaked messily with white. KK and KRUGMAN watch happily as OBAMA and BOEHNER exit, stage left.)
KRUGMAN: Kim, that makes you today’s winner! Congratulations! Your prize is $500,000. Would you like cash or a check?
KK (giggling): Seriously? That’s, like, my daily allowance. You can keep your prize money. Better yet, give it to the audience! Woo hoo!
(The audience gives KK a standing ovation.)
KRUGMAN: What a great idea! Let’s start improving the economy here on the show! Audience, stop by the office in 15 minutes to pick up your share!
(The audience gives KRUGMAN a standing ovation, then they stampede out of the theatre. KK giggles helplessly.)
KRUGMAN: Or, heh-heh, go pick it up now! (crossing to KK) But Kim, this leaves us with a problem. What do you want for a prize?
KK: How about dinner with you, hot stuff? You can tell more about how spending is good and how I’m helping the economy by buying all my yachts and whatnot!
KRUGMAN (slightly puzzled, but game): Well, as long as I can bring my wife.
KK (putting her arm through his, and exiting with him, stage right): Kinky!
(LIGHTS OUT.)
37 Responses to "The Fiscal Cliffs of Insanity: A Play in One Entertaining Act"
November 28, 2012 at 10:20 am
Pat will be delighted that you included Kim Kardashian!
Very funny, MB. I’ve missed your plays. Your satire is unmatched!
I really like the idea of players having to slide down a water slide into the fiscal abyss! 
November 28, 2012 at 10:32 am
@2 – Thanks, Janicen! I’ve missed writing them. They are a lot of work, though, and hard to manage when I am on a busy project. I’m taking advantage of my bench time to spend more time on my beloved blog!
November 28, 2012 at 11:36 am
Hmm. I guess I’m even angrier than I realized. I was disappointed when the two arrogant snoots weren’t pushed over those cliffs we were promised in the picture!
November 28, 2012 at 11:43 am
I considered that carefully, Quixote. Let’s just say it presented dramatic difficulties…like, the host would have been arrested for treason. 
I figured it would be funnier if the fiscal cliffs were as overblown in the play as they are in DC.
November 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Brava!!! I can’t say I love the Kardashians, but they sure do make it look easy to make a living.
November 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm
From that new political site I found:
It Gets Worse for Mitt Romney as He is Named the Least Influential Person of 2012
Here is how GQ described Romney, “Was anyone inspired by Mitt Romney? Did anyone vote enthusiastically for Mitt Romney? Of course not. Voting for Romney is like hooking up with the last single person at the bar at 4 a.m. The only successful thing he did this year was embody every black stand-up comedian’s impression of a white person.
http://www.politicususa.com/worse-mitt-romney-named-influential-person-2012.html
November 28, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Madama, very, very good, just as good as your previous precious pieces – and including KK was so apt. Her skills in economic theory are just as valid as “Bayner otherwise known as Boner, the orange crier” and sadly Obama’s team.
It’s a good thing Pat is off visiting, cause we all know her aversion to KK or maybe it’s not a good thing. Pat would have some very pithy things to type about the comparisons to the politicians. I do hope she is having a good time and is relaxing.
Fredster, you’ve changed your gravatar yet again, you naughty boy. Being as I’m always the same, and I’m a doggie, the new one is quite amusing, but I do prefer Chloe. How is she doing by the way? I’m living with very, very senior cats (18, 18 and 12) and I always worry.
Beata, where are you? and you too Mary Luke and DYB? Of course, it’s only 3:25 pm, lots of time later if I can stay awake. See you then, I hope. After I walk Milly the Wonderdog and watch a few videos, I’m generally ready for time to let my brain do the walking rather than this body which is not as agile or as healthy as it used to be.
November 28, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Madama, might I suggest that you create a tab with all your previous one act plays? I was trying to find the Lysistrata one, then when I read this one today I was looking for the one from after Obama was elected the first time where he had visitation from previous presidents. Perhaps I’m going senile, but I’ve enjoyed your one acts ever since I first encountered the first one on RD’s site, back in the day where she appeared to have a good view on the world. Those days are long past, but I do hope you saved all of those, and please create a tab for your one act plays. They are quite unique, and so much fun.
November 28, 2012 at 4:06 pm
HT, you’re right and I do have all of them gathered at my old site. I shall put up a tab here soon.
November 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm
HT: Getting ready to go get hair cut, but the old gal is okay. It’s just that LSU’s season is over except for a bowl game so now I have to cheer for the Saints.
November 28, 2012 at 4:25 pm
MB — most wonderful. I can see the whole thing in my head and this is perfect satire — and what is really frightening is that it is oh so close to the real words coming out of their collective pie holes.
More of these please.
November 28, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Prolix, she’s very, very good. If she does put them all into a separate tab here, I recommend all of them – she is that good.
Fredster, is the specialist appointment tomorrow, or in my senility did I misplace the date?
I’m so glad Chloe is still barking. She is a keeper for sure. REminds me of my Tavi (ssh, I don’t want Milly to hear, she is a very proprietariol companion). Tavi was there for me every day of his life, all 18 and one half years – which is very unusual, but I treasured every day of his life. Chloe looks like she might meet Tavi’s record, and I hope she exceeds it. Wish I could find a gravatar that was Tavi, however Milly sends me mind control messages, and as she is part brittany spaniel and part jack russel (parson’s russel as they call them today), the gravatar suits her – same coloring, same ears)
November 28, 2012 at 6:15 pm
HT: Yes, the specialist appt is for tomorrow. If your email addy is correct I’m going to try to send you a little something later.
November 28, 2012 at 6:22 pm
@15 – Thank you, my dear. These do take a long time to write, so they tend to be scarce when I’m extremely busy. I was very happy that the muse visited me last night.
If you all truly want more of these, please don’t hesitate to suggest topics for a play if/when they come to your mind. Pat and Chat are particularly good at inspiring me, but everyone can take a turn! You never know what will strike a chord…
@18 – Fredster…sending you healing thoughts. I hope the specialist has good news for you!
November 28, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Sorry Madamab I am like working 10 hour days but I had to stop everything to read you r magnificent play….
To be fair we are going off the cliff on January 1st Because the president is not backing down Bay-ner Boner is about to be served along with Mitch McConnell a $ 500 Billion Deficit reduction this year that will kill the economy and then they are going to have some explaining to do….
Looks like we will get Tax increases and deficit reduction served by a Republican party that has overplayed its hands… 60% of American’shave said they will hold Republicans responsible if they do not allow tax cuts for the wealthy expire.
Why do I sound happy about this…well I am not but math (remember math Mr Boner and Stitch “crypt keeper” McConnell) works in poor stiffs like me’s favor my pay check will be reduced by forty bucks. every two weeks! while that is for me a lot of money over the year I can cut back and survive.
But folks at the top say like Ol’ Mittens Romney will have a biweekly pay cut of like $ 48,000 per pay period which is more than my gross salary. With the economic contractions this will cause it will be a bloodbath for the old white man Elephant Party in 2014….
That will set us up for a Joan of Arch on her white steed riding in in 2016 to save the country in battle armor to save us….
Sorry grew up with to much Hollywood!
November 28, 2012 at 6:59 pm
That will set us up for a Joan of Arch on her white steed riding in in 2016 to save the country in battle armor to save us….
Let’s hope so my brutha!
November 28, 2012 at 7:55 pm
Look we have been critical of Obama I still am because he settles for a slice not even half a loaf…now he is doing what we ask. Standing up to the Evil Elephant Party, I think he is looking ahead to 2014 he wants his party back in power, and he wants t back in power for purely selfish reasons, but hey its also good for me and the rest of us.
Let us reserve a little judgement…if he caves he is ineffective for the next 4 years, if he is successful its good for our girl too she will inherit a congress with a Democrat majority and she has the smarts to use it…
One thing to remember Democrats are electing more women and that cannot be bad. there are 60 Democratic Women in the lower house 30% of the 200 democratic seats are held by women that is the tipping point for the party we hope.
For the first time in any party’s history the majority of its seats are held by non old white men! We have more of every minority in the party than the republicans the Democrats are more and more reflecting the changing colors of the nation. I foresee we could have over 100 women in the party by 2020 holding seats in the house and senate!
November 28, 2012 at 9:13 pm
Fuzzy, I think it would be wonderful if Obama stood up to the thugs. He just has never done it before. After four years I see no need to think he will change. I don’t think we will go over any cliff, I think Obama will compromise because he wants to destroy the social safety net. That is my opinion and I hope I am wrong, dear friend.
I also think the preponderance of women in the party has zero to do with Obama. I am perfectly happy to keep voting for Democratic women no matter who is President.
November 28, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Thank you I am not hopeful either but it appears that The Democrats are sending him a signal that they want to be the party of “NO” this time.
November 28, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Oh I agree the number of women minority members of congress have nothing to do with the current “Lame Duck” President I think the people are tired of Old white straight Men! American’s are moving left socially and I believe the public will drag both parties kicking and screaming….
November 28, 2012 at 9:36 pm
I hope bronco and the dems stand firm. I would rather have a small tax hike than see the rich get away without paying their fair share again.
November 28, 2012 at 9:38 pm
Fuzzy, yes, agree. It feels like people are feeling more empowered these past few months. I don’t think people will stand for SS getting skewered.
November 28, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Fredster @18 got your message and replied. Chloe looks wonderful.
@28 socal, I hope that people will stand up for SS – after all they paid into it. It’s not an entitlement (meaning something you didn’t pay for but are eligible to correct in repubspeak) it’s an insurance policy which anyone who has ever had a job paid into with the expectation that one day when they were old and grey the insurance would assist them.
If the government chooses to raid it (yet again) without payback, it just becomes another tax that benefits no one with the exception thaty it will cover debts that the government currently in power and in power after and on and on and the government will raid the pot and leave seniors high and dry. There is a lot of money in SS right now. That may not be the case in two years time.
November 28, 2012 at 10:26 pm
Inconceivable!
Great play, mb, as always!
Who knew KK had it in her!
November 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm
@30 – You keep using that word…;-)
Whereas I have no hope for Obama, I completely agree with Fuzzy and Socal about this being the Year of We the People! Old white straight men are like, so passe. I also do feel like the people will push back if Obama does what he usually does. And yes, I am fine with having my taxes raised if it means that Mitt and his stinking rich buddies finally start paying a small portion of their dues! And NO CUTS to the social safety net!
November 28, 2012 at 11:12 pm
The thing is that the tax cuts for the middle class didn’t register a whole lot. At least I hardly noticed that there was more money in my paychecks. When you don’t make a whole lot the difference isn’t very noticeable. It’s not like I could buy a new house with that tax cut! The very wealthy, on the other hand, could feed small countries with those taxes! And still be very rich! I’ll never forget a NYTimes real-estate article about a poor schlob Wall Street dude who really wanted to buy a $9,000,000 dollar penthouse in Manhattan. But the sinking economy devastated him (this was before the bailouts) and so he, the poor sad soul, had to settle for a $5,000,000 penthouse. The article was written without an ounce of irony.
November 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm
DYB, I feel the same way. The middle-class tax cuts were really just a PR stunt. The overall policy hurts us, not helps us.
That article sounds (unintentionally) hilarious! Hmmmm….maybe you have inspired my next play!
November 28, 2012 at 11:24 pm
Oh look, Obama is “flexible” on tax rates for the wealthy. Quelle non-surprise.
President Barack Obama signaled he wouldn’t insist tax rates on upper-income Americans rise to Clinton-era peaks as part of a deficit-reduction deal, showing new flexibility as he tries to accelerate talks with congressional Republicans.
November 28, 2012 at 11:36 pm
From the Journal article:
Rep. Mike Simpson (R., Idaho) said in an interview Wednesday many Republicans would likely accept a deal that raised tax rates on households earning more than $500,000 or $1 million if Democrats offered to back substantial entitlement cuts.
Make it a million, but then fix that damned “carried interest” crap which is how Romney and other rich folk get their money and definitely increase the rate on capital gains.
November 28, 2012 at 11:38 pm
socal@28: Yep, S.S. has done nothing to affect or add to the defecit OR the debt. Leave it alone!
Comments are closed.
November 28, 2012 at 9:49 am
Hmmmm….I’m going to take the silence as awestruck appreciation.